How should we feel in the Midst of Quarantine?

Wild times we’re living in huh? In the last 2 months, the Coronavirus Covid-19 Pandemic has swept the world and upended daily life as we know it. As of today, 185 countries have reported cases (fyi there are 195), over 1.6 million people have contracted the virus, and over 98 thousand deaths have been reported, and those numbers are growing by the hour.* But how are we as Christians supposed to feel about this, how should we process these drastic changes, and what can we do to make the most of the situation we find ourselves in? I have some thoughts on that and would like to share them with you here. This list is not exhaustive and is simply provided in hope to get you thinking and talking about this in a meaningful way. 

1. Grieve over what the virus is doing. No matter what our culture tries to tell you, death is the most unnatural thing in the world. We were not created to die, and the only reason we do so is because of sin. Jesus cried over the death of Lazarus because of the evil that it is, even when He knew exactly what He was about to do just moments later in bringing Lazarus back to life. Now remember, as Christians, we are not to grieve as those “who have no hope” but that is not the same as don’t grieve.
2. Mourn the life you once had. Are you an avid sports fan who was looking forward to March Madness, the playoffs in both Hockey and Basketball, and the start of Baseball (or any spring sport for that matter)? Are you a music fan who’s had several shows canceled? Are you a senior in high school or college who no longer gets to have a typical graduation ceremony? Did you have a trip cut short/canceled or an important life event postponed? Have you lost your job due to no fault of your own, had your hours cut, or are being asked to work from home for the first time ever? Are you someone whose main way of catching up with friends/family was to grab coffee/dinner/drinks? Are you no longer able to gather in person for corporate worship with your church body? Are you considered an essential worker and being asked to face the virus head on or indirectly? Whatever your situation, your life has most likely been affected in some way, and I think it’s perfectly okay to mourn those things, healthy even.
3. Put this into perspective. I think there are 2 main reasons why we are seeing such drastic measures being put in place to try and fight this disease. The first is the fear of the unknown in that modern medicine has yet to provide an effective vaccine and won’t for some time, and the second being the global nature of the spread. If this virus were only being found in third world countries or were something that could be fought with a medicine or vaccine we already have, we probably wouldn’t of even heard about it, at least not the extent of it being the only thing covered on the news for the last month and a half. If the United States and European healthcare systems and governments are being strained this much, think about the poorest countries of the world where thousands of people a day are dying of already preventable diseases, or the closest hospital is hundreds of miles away. Be grateful you live in a country that can afford to have this kind of response and pray for those who don’t. (Perhaps also give if you are able, I would recommend a great way called DonorSee. Found here)
4. Use the newfound time. Whether you’re working from home and no longer have a commute, doing your schooling online, been laid off with no such thing as a job market right now, or are simply unable to take part in the normal activities you would on your days/evenings off, you have been gifted with more time than ever and the question is how are you going to use it? It would be so easy to fill the time with Netflix or whatever, and it’s not wrong to do that for some of the time, but this is the perfect opportunity to form those good habits you’ve been putting off for so long or at one time had and lost. Here are things I’ve been working on to give you some ideas: Daily Scripture Reading and Prayer, Daily Exercise, Daily Journaling, Reading, Drinking 100 ounces of water a day. Whatever you’ve wanted to take on and form a habit doing, now is the time to do so. The hope is then when life returns to “normal” these habits will be such a part of your life you then can’t live without them!
5. Make use of Technology. Look, just because we’re unable to physically see our friends and family right now, it doesn’t mean we can’t connect with them in a meaningful way. You can still call/video chat/text with people. You can still post on social media. I am sure your church is doing some sort of livestream service, zoom bible studies, etc. And realize that yes, while this is not the same and leaves much to be desired, allow it to fill your heart with hope and anticipation of the next time you do get to connect physically.
6. Love your neighbor. Think of the elderly in your neighborhood who are probably very lonely, the parents who now have their children home 24/7 (and particularly those of children with special needs who no longer have access to some of their much needed services), the extremely extroverted friend who’s probably never spent so much time at home, and many others, are there ways you could serve them? Perhaps by giving them a call just to check in or offering to get their groceries and leave them on the doorstep, maybe you could mow their lawn for them. There are still ways to love and serve those around us, so think and pray on that and just do something.
7. Do something every day that brings you joy. We need a reason to smile more than ever in this time, and so whatever it is, listening to your favorite album, reading a book, taking a walk, calling a friend, playing a game, watching a show, etc, do at least one thing every day that you know is going to help your heart and mind relax and smile. 
8. Take Heart. No matter what this virus ends up doing, how many lives it ends up taking, how much the economy falls apart, we as Christians can hold on to the hope that Christ is the one in control of it all, and this virus is a reminder of that. Like the Tower of Siloam in the book of Luke or any other natural disaster, this virus is at minimum serving as yet another call to repentance and we should take heed. We can also take heart that one day, all things will be made new and all the effects of sin will be wiped away because of the one who came, lived, died and resurrected. Easter is coming friends, and because of that we can find hope and joy in the midst of this longstanding trial.

Thanks for reading and I hope you found something in here to be helpful as you look to process and make the most of this unprecedented situation. Would love to hear your thoughts if you have any! 

*All relevant information was found from the John Hopkins interactive Coronavirus map online. 

Gone Too Long

It recently occurred to me this past week that it has been 2 and a half years since I wrote a blog, and even that last one was merely a re-sharing of a devotional I gave one night at Jill’s House. Prior to that, was April 2016, and so for all intents and purposes, it’s been over 3 years and that is not okay. Thus, I set out to once again put my thoughts and feelings on paper, because even though I do not do it as often as I’d like, the process of writing is very therapeutic for me.

If you haven’t heard yet, I am turning 29 in a couple of weeks and there are so many scary and exciting thoughts that come with that reality. Suddenly, and seemingly out of nowhere, my 20’s are coming to an end, and I’m almost 30. It’s crazy to think that 9 years ago I hopped on a plane moved across the country and started my first semester at Master’s, 6 years ago, I graduated, and that I am coming up on my 6th Anniversary at working at Jill’s House.


Here are 2 reflections on my 20’s so far and 4 hopes I have for the next year and 30’s:

1. My 20’s were so much harder than I ever expected. My fight with depression and pornography defined so much of that time (and still does). Add student debt, a lack of romantic relationships, the self placed shame of living at home, and the failing health of my father to the fray, which all of these things intertwined with each other, and it’s been a long road. Some of the darkest times I have ever faced came in my 20’s, never to the point of wanting to die, but a crisis of faith and apathy of facing the days before me reared their ugly heads for sure.

2. Yet by God’s grace, there have been wonderful things about my 20’s as well. My college experience, though expensive, was incredible. Being a part of what God is doing in and through Jill’s House and the disability community over the last 6 years has been such a blessing. The friends I have made through school or work have been some of the most amazing people I have ever met, and I am also thankful to have a good amount of lifelong friends from both childhood and high school still be a part of my life as well. Because of my dad’s health issues, having the ability to save a good amount of money, and the relationships I have been able to form with my family, it has been helpful to live at home as well. And finally, my church family has been there for me through the thick and thin of all of it.


Life is often like that, we live in the tension of being a part of a fallen world, but at the exact same time, we get to experience the good gifts of our Father as well, all while trusting that He is making all things new, and will one day destroy sin, wipe away every tear, and bring us into His presence.


4 things I am hoping for in the next year and my 30’s:

1. I want to eradicate pornography from my life. It is first and foremost a sin against God. But not only that, it is inextricably linked with depression and sex trafficking, affects how I view women and myself, and it’s stolen a good portion of my joy. I am genuinely excited and believe that Christ and the Holy Spirit can do this work in me, and I want to know who I can be without it being a part of my life.

2. I want to move out by 30. Not because of the guilt and shame I’ve felt for living at home in the past, but because it is more and more becoming apparent that it is time and the right thing to do. By God’s grace I’ll be able to eliminate one of my 3 loans by the end of this year and begin the serious act of saving to make that happen.

3. I would like to get married and start a family one day, but am ok with the fact that it might not happen. The first steps are becoming the kind of man that is marriageable, and trusting that the Lord’s timing is perfect.

4. And finally, I want to continue growing in the image of Christ and learn to more fully trust that no matter what comes my way, He is going to use it for my good and for His glory. (Ok this last one is cheating a little bit because we know this to be something that He HAS promised to do!)



As always thanks for reading, have yourself a virtual cookie and wonderful rest of the day!

Will you cover your heart when you see what I've done?

Well hey guys, thanks for giving up your Sunday night to be here, some of you after an 11 hour day here nonetheless. And thank you Kindra for thinking of me when they gave you the assignment to find someone to give the devotional this evening, it truly is an honor to be able to be up here in front of so many incredible people and get the chance to share some of my heart with you. And before I get started, let me reiterate that point. Every single person in this room and every single client that we serve is an amazing human being created in the image of God, deserving of love and respect. Office staff, you help make Jill’s House run smoothly and are doing things behind the scenes that many of us will never understand, whether that’s improving upon the program we already have, connecting with new and current families, raising the money we need so that we can keep doing what we do, or managing us, the CCS. Part Time CCS’ almost all of you have something going on outside of Jill’s House that takes up quite a bit of your time, be it a full time job, school, a family, or all the above, and yet, weekend after weekend, you show up here, ready to serve, and ready to love these kids. My fellow full time staff, school nights would not happen without you and your lack of sleep, consistently leaving here after the clients are already in bed, and then coming back the next morning before they’re awake, or working the beloved double 6am-10 and 1pm-9, or sometimes a combo of both a double AND a morning shift the next day. And fellows, my dear fellows, you willingly gave up an entire year of your life to be here. And we rewarded you by asking you to do nothing less than eat, sleep, and breathe Jill’s House, be it the 44 hours a week minimum we require of you between CCSing and the office, the social outings, bible study, recruitment trips and whatever else we give you to do. And let’s be real, if the fellowship didn’t exist as it is, we’d be sending kids home on Saturday night instead of Sunday evening. All of you are sacrificing quite a bit to be a part of the story of Jill’s House and that is worthy of recognition. Now that’s not to say there’s no reward or blessing for doing so, there certainly is, and I will get into that a little bit later, but that doesn’t deny the fact that it can be extremely difficult, and for all of those sacrifices, I thank each and every one of you.

As some of you know, I like to think of every aspect of life in terms of their overarching story, and so I specifically used the phrase “the story of Jill’s House” because I want to dwell on that for a moment. Jill’s House exists because God gave Lon Solomon who’s the current but transitioning into former Senior Pastor of Mclean Bible Church a daughter with special needs 25 years ago January 26^th. And from the difficulties the Solomon family faced while raising her and the difficulty they had finding respite, God put it into their hearts to figure out a way to serve those families who were in similar situations. And so a little over 6 years ago, after climbing through some incredible God sized hurdles, Jill’s House opened its doors, and its story began. But the really cool thing is this story is built upon a culmination of stories. Every single Family we serve has a story on how they found Jill’s House, and every single one of you and every single volunteer has a story on how God brought you here and developed you in such a way to perfectly fit into the life of this place, and on top of that there are stories of how God is using your time here to further conform you into the image of His Son.

With all of that in mind, I want to take this time to share just a piece of my story in hopes to bring some encouragement to you, because a big part of my story involves Jill’s House, and therefore you.

For starters I grew up in a Christian home, my Dad was my Children’s Pastor and my mom was highly involved at whatever church he was working for. I remember at the age of 4 being pulled into the back room of the house and being told the Gospel by my parents and at that point saying the sinner’s prayer. Who knows if I actually believed at the point but that gives you some context to my life. Other than that moment, I never really remember discussing the gospel with them outside of what I learned at church and watched them live out daily. It was around the age of 12 that a friend of mine introduced me to Pornography and Masturbation and to this day that is something I continue to battle with off and on. Because of that though, by the time I was 14 I finally came to an understanding of my own sinful state and the double life I was living and fully recognized my need for a Savior. So the summer after freshman year of high school I rededicated my life to Christ during my youth groups yearly summer trip to the beach and was baptized in the Atlantic Ocean by Dale Sutherland who at the time was the youth pastor for Mclean and currently a teaching pastor. I only mention him to briefly highlight the faithfulness of God, because get this, way back when Dale was a teenager, my Dad was his youth pastor and baptized him. That summer I not only had a revitalized faith but God brought some important people into my life then as well.

My sophomore year of high school was a really hard time, with my newly refreshed faith I was having difficulty fitting in. I was noticing the hypocrisy of the kids who would be my friend at youth group but not even recognize my existence at school. I was facing flack for stupid things like the fact my Dad was a bus driver for the school. While I was on the JV football team, I was still having difficulty connecting with anyone, let alone the fact I lived outside of the school’s zone so besides football I never had any real opportunity to do so. So I recoiled to the habits that defined me pre-Christ and it was at that time I realized something needed to change.

Enter in the friends God brought me that summer camp, I reached out to them and realized they all went to the same local Christian school. After facing many obstacles, God continually opened doors including bringing on an anonymous family friend that covered something like half of my tuition to go to this school my junior and senior year, by the way I never found out about until AFTER I graduated. Those 2 years of life were very formative. Not only was I able to build solid Christian friendships both with the teachers and fellow students that are still here to this day, but it was then I realized my interest in reading and took it upon myself to learn about my life and faith outside of school and church. And if you know anything about me, you know I haven’t stopped reading since.

It was after graduation though I experienced my first serious fight with depression. Just coming off of the high of those incredible 2 years all of my new-found friends headed off to College and because of the lack of funds due to going to Trinity I had to stay behind and go to community college. I felt like God had abandoned me and so did my friends. So I recoiled into myself, began taking any class I could online, and worked a bare minimum part time job so I never had to leave the house, and seeking out fulfillment any way I could by rekindling old sins and habits. On top of it all, during the breaks in between semesters I would visit with friends who were home and pretend that everything was A-ok.

Once again God brought me to the end of myself and once again He opened a door for me to be pulled out of it. After my 2nd year I transferred to a Christian college out in Southern California, where I developed even more Godly relationships, learned even more about my faith and continued to grow.  Because of changing majors and not taking full loads at NoVa I spent 3 years out there. And once again it was absolute bliss. The summer between my junior and senior year was where I worked a summer camp here at Mclean Bible Church simply because I needed a job and was introduced to the world of special needs. I fell in love with it, and determined to do the camp again after graduation.

But as all of you know, we are creatures of habit, and old habits die hard, even when we are living in light of the Gospel. And if some of this sounds familiar it’s because it is. After graduating college in May of 2013, and working the summer camp for a second time in July, this time in a position of leadership, I was pulled back into the deep dark world of depression for the 2^nd time in my life. Leaving those friendships behind, moving back home to the east coast, no real job prospects in line, and a sizable student loan staring me down, it was just too much for me to handle. Despite recognizing the faithfulness of God in my life up until that point it was still so hard for me to trust Him. And so the darkness came sweeping in, taking hold of my life, and telling me a lot of lies that I chose to believe causing me to run to old habits of extreme laziness and old sins instead of the light and truth that is found in Christ, which further perpetuated the problem instead of facing it. 

Come October of that year, still no job, and no real hope, my parents gave me the idea of applying to Jill’s House. They knew I loved kids with special needs, and they also knew I needed a job as my first loan payment was due the next month. And here is another point where God’s faithfulness shines brightly despite my attempt to run from it, literally within the hour of sending my application to Jill’s House they asked me to come in and interview the next day. At the time this was for a part time role on the weekends, and after walking out of the interview feeling pretty confident, someone from my church gave me a call and offered me a part time job during the week in the office at a construction company. In a matter of days I went from no work to 2 part time jobs that added up to full time.

Over the next year and a half I began taking on more hours here and less at the construction company until I became full-time in January 2015. A year later starting in January 2016, I faced my 3^rd major battle with depression. But during that year, there was a fellow that some of you know who was also facing her own demons to the point that she had to leave the fellowship early. And being able to come alongside her during that time even in the midst of my own struggles, watch her face it with such grace and continually point it all to Christ and hold onto His promises instead of running away, she became a great encouragement to me and it finally enabled me to open up about my own life. For the first time I was able to bring it up with my pastor, friends, and family. And while there have been brief spurts of difficult and debilitating times since then, being single in my mid 20’s with a crushing student loan and anxiety about the future brings about such thoughts, by the Grace of God and because of my time here at Jill’s House I no longer am afraid to face it.

All of that said you can see why Jill’s House has such a special place in my heart. Not only did God provide me with a certain personality and set of talents that allow me to excel here, but God has continually used this place and you people to pull me back outside of myself and bring me back to himself. Because of my time here, I am more and more coming to recognize that I am not my depression, and I am not my sinful habits. I am a child of God who is fully known and fully loved by Christ and He has given me a Church family both through my local church and my family here at Jill’s House that I can turn to and lean on in times of need. And when this time comes to an end, this is something that I will be forever grateful.

Thus I want to encourage you with this, never be ashamed of the story that God is telling through you and allows you to be a part of. Yes, some of you may have an incredibly dark and traumatizing past that you can at times regret, you may be going through an extremely difficult period right at this very moment of your life, or that difficult time may be yet to come, but take heart. God is faithful and is going to bring you through it. And God is going to use to it be a comfort and encouragement to others. Listen to this passage in 2^nd Corinthians chapter 1 starting at vs 3 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.”

As we go through trying times, God is going to bring you comfort in, during, and through those situations, and use them to allow you to bring comfort to others who are going through their own difficult times, all for your good and his Glory. Nothing in this life is wasted. 

An Open Letter to My Weary Soul

It has been a long couple of months, and while we are just 3 months into 2016 it feels almost as if it’s 2020 or something. The sleepless and anxiety filled nights have come more frequently (in fact this blog is the product of one), the tears have been flowing freely at the slightest provocation and I couldn’t even tell you why, and the hope that once seemed certain feels lost. When a dear friend a week and a half ago asked me how life was going I framed it this way: “Sometimes being in my mid twenties, single, and living with my parents with crippling student loans feels like lent with no sign of Easter.” Just 2 days after saying that, on Good Friday nonetheless, I ran into this article, and was reminded of a promise that at the time struck the chords of my soul, Easter is coming.

Indeed, Easter did come, and everything rests on that moment. But the days are still hard, the nights are still long, and the tears keep falling. Which surprisingly, is resoundingly okay. Lesslie Newbigin once famously said, "I am neither an optimist nor a pessimist. Jesus Christ is risen from the dead." We can face life with a realism that allows us to both feel the pains and adversities of life and see them for what they are, and at the same time we do not despair because we can rest in the ultimate hope that we have as Christians, that we too one day will be raised with Christ and on top of that, right now at this very moment God is using everything to make us more like His Son.

So here we go soul, let me remind you of a couple of promises that are yours, ones that are verified and proven true because of that very first Easter.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit” Psalm 34:18. This is probably my favorite verse in all of scripture. First off, it is a reminder that even though we are in Christ, we are not suddenly exempt from the pains of life.  We all will at times feel the pangs of depression, be brokenhearted, become disappointed, suffer some grave injustice, or go through some other tragedy. But the fact of the matter is that The Lord is right there with you in the midst of it all and at some point, you will get through it. He has not abandoned you but instead He is close, He is moving in and through you, and He is most importantly making great use out of these troubling times, so hold on.

Next, “Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved” Psalm 55:22. Or as 1^st Peter 5:7 tells us, we should be “casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” Christ is not indifferent to our suffering, he feels it just as deeply as you do, probably even more so, and he wants to be the sustainer of your soul. All you need to do is give it over to Him, and then, even when you are weary from it all, you can find rest.

And these are just two, I could go on all day with the promises of scripture. I could turn to Philippians 1:6 showing you that God is not done with you yet. And what about Philippians 4 where we learn we have the ability to be content in every situation and can rest in the fact that God is going to supply every need (or Matthew 6). Really, all of Scripture is a promise from God that though we turned away from him in our selfishness, He is faithful in seeking us out, reconciling us to Himself through the life, death, and resurrection of His Son, making us new through His Spirit, and bringing it all together with the new heavens and earth where He is going to wipe away every single tear, all for His glory. So drink deeply of said scripture, learn it, cultivate it into your every day life, and remember that because that first Easter happened, your Easter is coming.

Autumn and The Faithfulness of God

These past few days of low 80’s during the day and mid 70’s in the evening have caused me to realize that I am oh so ready for fall to come around. It’s my favorite time of year: the amazing weather, the colorful and crunchy leaves, the long-sleeve shirts and sweaters (particularly flannel), and of course, all those pumpkin spice lattes. 

It is this fall though, on September 17th to be exact, that I am going to be 25, and I’m not quite sure where 24 went. A couple of weeks ago I wrote about my last year as a CCS at Jill’s House, and now I want to talk about my 20’s as a whole as I approach the halfway point. Which if you want to get an idea of where I am going with this, I would encourage you to read this article, one I resonated with deeply, entitled ‘When Your Twenties Are Darker Than Expected.’

My 20’s started out on a high note, when I dropped everything and moved to California to go to a small Christian college I knew nothing about other than the fact that my best friend was there. That decision came after two years of what was essentially filled with depression and solitude, studying at the local community college taking mostly online classes and working part-time at my old high school. During my three years at Master’s I made wonderful friends, learned an incredible amount about myself and my God, and failed quite often. Check out my posts from 2012 through May 2013 to get a more in-depth look. In short, Relationships (particularly those of the romantic variety) were my idol, laziness plagued me, self-pity was my real major, and yet, God still worked in and through me. Those were also the years where I discovered my love for working with kids with special needs leading to my current job at Jill’s House. 

Other than the two years of community college, the first 2 months post Graduation were probably the darkest times I have ever experienced in my entire life. Feeling like I was expected to conquer the world, I crumbled at the weight of it all and threw in the towel before it even started. The depression was real, all hope was lost, and Christ was an afterthought. You can read my painful confession in the post from June 2013 entitled ‘To anyone who might possibly care.’ But it is in those dark times, like sunlight bursting through a rain cloud, that the radiance of Christ shines most bright.

Though the last two years have been much better and I can gladly say I’m the most content I’ve ever been, the time certainly has been filled with it’s own struggles. Often I feel stuck, be it my student loans, living at home, feelings of loneliness, reoccurring relational mistakes, or fighting the exact same sinful tendencies that I’ve seen in my life since the moment Christ opened my eyes. But if I’m honest, the things that at times make me feel stuck are actually helpful:

· Fighting sin is going to be a life-long battle, but in it I’m reminded of my need for Christ and reminded of the fact that He has already conquered it through his incarnation, life, death, resurrection and ascension, and because of that, there is hope.

· Relationship mistakes remind me I am already in the perfect family, I am a child of God, and the people of His Church are my brothers and sisters. My mistakes allow others to come alongside me and practice the one-another’s, and vice versa. The friendships I’ve built and continued to build post-college have been some of the richest and most fruitful of my entire life.

· Feelings of loneliness remind me that in actuality, I am never alone. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). Never was anyone more alone than when Christ took the sins of the world upon himself upon the cross. And now the one who understands and loves me completely, lives in me through the Holy Spirit.

· God knows I desire to move out of the house and to pay off my student loans, and I think these are great things to desire. It means that even though I am content with where Christ has me, I’m not complacent. But I also understand this, God will supply every need I have. And right now, He has given me a job I love that at the moment financially only allows me to work on my student loans and have a social life. With that said I am also extremely grateful for parents who love me enough to let me stay at home during these years, and yet provide me with enough space to grow and face these things on my own.


In summary, so far in my 20’s, God has provided me with a college education, God brought me through an extremely dark time in my life, God provided me with my first job, God has given me some great friendships, He has lovingly let me fail and turn to Him through grace and repentance, and He is using all of that to continually conform me to the image of His Son. I expect much of the same in the second half of my 20's and I am so excited for all that God is going to do with 25! Thanks for taking the time to read!

The Struggles and Blessings of being a CCS

 One year ago, I was a part-time Childcare Specialist at Jill's House, but for the last 6 months or so, I have been full time. There have been both blessings and struggles (which are ultimately blessings) in becoming full-time, though I think that is the case with any transition. First-off, doing the job that I do full-time is an all around exhausting affair, mentally, physically, and spiritually. There certainly have been days where my patience has worn thin, my heart and mind have grown weary, and the monotony of it all has just gotten to me. In the summer most of my hours come from the 8-4 camp days, meaning I leave my house at 6:15am and get home after 5:30pm, which the traffic just adds to the mental strain of it all (though having evenings is extremely nice). During the school year, though the traffic is lighter, the shift schedule can be wearisome, whether that being a 12 hour double or working the 1-9 just to return at 6am the next morning (or sometimes both). And while there are tremendous upsides to working for an Organization based on Christian principles that has a very godly purpose, (which I will get to into in s second), sometimes the Christianity of it all can actually create the struggles. Yes, there are weeks when you need to make sacrifices, taking on extra shifts to fill the child to staff disparity, happily coming in on a moments notice to cover for a fellow staff-member who has called out, or working a shift you probably shouldn't be because of your own health, etc. But it is when those sacrifices have become the norm and the expectation, to the point where there is a shaming of the workers who don't make them every single time it is asked of them, all under the so called banner of loving these kids, that you create the burn-out and high turnover culture we have here at JH, both on the CCS and corporate side of things. One set of biblical principles: mainly service and sacrifice, have been propelled above another: rest, humility, faithfulness, longevity. And how ironic that a place designed to give and provide rest doesn’t understand the importance of it for it’s own employees.

With all of that said, the blessings of working here far outweigh the difficulties. First of all, to even work at Jill’s House, you have to at least nominally be a Christian, and have some idea of how your faith impacts the work you do. Within that we have a devotion and time of prayer before each shift, and conversations about faith with your peers are the norm, which is a very different picture from the typical work environment. Another aspect of that is the wonderful relationships I have been able to build. I go to a church that averages maybe 75 people, and I can count on one hand the number of people there who are in their mid twenties and single. Jill’s House helps me to have fellowship with those my own age. Second, the intentions of Jill’s House are ones worth fighting for, to provide rest for parents of kids with special needs by loving there kids with the love of Christ through overnight and daytime respite care, and pointing both the kids and their families to the one in whom eternal rest can be found all for His glory. This is the biggest reason why I love Jill’s House, for what we do and why we do it, despite how tiring it can be. Third, and I've said this one many times before, I have always told be people that no matter what I do, I want to love God by loving people, and for the time being, this is very much my literal job. How cool is it that I am paid to love these kids? Fourth, not only do I have like minded coworkers and can find encouragement that way, but these kids point me to Christ all of the time. They have taught me about patience, passion, finding joy in the small things, righteous anger, compassion, and many other things.

Jill’s House is an incredibly special place, and God has definitely used it to grow me over the last year (and really since the day I started). I am grateful for what He has already done in my life through this place, and am excited about what He is going to do in the time I have left, however long that may be. As always, thanks for taking the time to read and I hope you were able to find it profitable in some way.

2014 in Music and Books

Much of life is affected by the media that we intake, especially here in America. So in light of that, as a small way of reflecting over the past year, I would like to share a list of my 20 favorite Albums of 2014, and the list of books that I read this year (outside of the Bible).

Favorite Albums of 2014

1. Bleachers – Strange Desire
Back when Taylor Swift was releasing a song a week the 3 or four weeks before 1989 dropped – of which I had a feeling that was going to be my album of the year, she released her single Out of the Woods – a song she had cowritten with Jack Antonoff the guitarist of Fun. When Out of the Woods was released, most people on the music website I frequent compared it to Bleachers, the solo side project of Jack. I immediately decided to check out said band, and I was immediately floored. Strange Desire is a larger than life pop album straight from the 80’s and I freaking adore it.

2. Taylor Swift – 1989
T Swift has finally dropped the pop/country act and went full on pop for this record and it’s the best decision she ever made. That’s all I’ll say about that.

3. Damien Rice – My Favourite Faded Fantasy
A man, his guitar, some strings drums and piano, and the pouring out of his heart and soul into his lyrics leads to one of the biggest emotional roller coasters you will ever ride on, leaving you completely drained, yet somehow inspired.

4. Colony House – When I was Younger
This is a coming of age album. It is an accepting of all that has taken place in your life, growing up and becoming an adult, facing the crappy parts of life in a hopeful way and moving forward kind of album, all in the context of my go to pop/rock sound.

5. Mike Main & The Branches – Calm Down, Everything is Fine
Pop/Rock at it’s finest singing about life and relationships.

Albums 6-20 could be pretty much interchanged in their order. Mostly rock, pop/rock, indie pop, and all types of female fronted pop.

Andrew McMahon in The Wilderness – Andrew McMahon in The Wilderness

Copeland – Ixora

Yellowcard – Lift a Sail

Ingrid Michaelson – Lights Out

Lights – Little Machines

Anberlin – Lowborn

Neon Trees – Pop Psychology

Number One Gun – This is All We Know

Blondfire – Young Heart

The Cinema – Talking in Your Sleep

Chad Perrone – Kaleidoscope

Switchfoot- Fading West

From Indian Lakes – Absent Sounds

Pompeii – Loom  

One Direction – FOUR

When it comes to the books that I have read this year, I was able to finish 28, which falls short of the 32 I read last year. Though all of these were first time reads, unlike last year where 11 were re-reads. This is in the order that I completed them, and the ones with asterisks are my favorites from the year and ones I would easily recommend to anyone (which I realize was most of them, but what can I say, I read a lot of good books this year!).

Book List 2014 

1. A Serious Call to a Devout and Holy Life – William Law
2. Out of My Mind – Sharon M Draper *
3. The Holiness of God – R.C. Sproul *
4. Finishing Our Course With Joy : Guidance from God for Engaging Our Aging – J.I. Packer *
5. Relationships – A Mess Worth Making – Timothy S. Lane, Paul David Tripp
6. The Freedom of Self-forgetfulness – Timothy Keller
7. The Meaning of Marriage – Timothy Keller *
8. Biggest Brother: The Life of Major Dick Winters, The Man Who Led The Band of Brothers – Larry Alexander *
9. Taking God At His Word: Why the Bible is knowable, necessary, and enough, and what that means for you and me – Kevin DeYoung *
10. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking – Susan Cain *
11. Weakness Is the Way: Life with Chris Our Strength – J.I. Packer *
12. Know the Creeds and Councils – Justin S. Holcomb
13. God’s Will: Finding Guidance for Everyday Decisions – J.I. Packer and Carolyn Nystrom *
14. Ender’s Game – Orson Scott Card *
15. Speaker of The Dead – Orson Scott Card
16. Xenocide – Orson Scott Card
17. Children of the Mind – Orson Scott Card
18. Home – Marilynne Robinson *
19. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime – Mark Haddon *
20. Knots Untied – J.C. Ryle
21. Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy – Eric Metaxas *
22. A Shepherd Looks at The 23rd Psalm – Phillip Keller *
23. The Fault in Our Stars – John Green
24. Loving Well (Even If You Haven’t Been) – William P. Smith *
25. Lila – Marilynne Robinson *
26. Ordinary – Michael Horton *
27. Prayer: Experiencing Awe and Intimacy with God – Timothy Keller *
28. Dancing with Max – Emily Colson *

Why I write, and the Happiness of my Heart

One of the saddest parts of 2014 so far has been the fact that I’ve let myself fall so far behind in writing. For me, writing these blogs is a time of reflection that while updating those of you who read it about all that is going on in my life, they also help me process all that God has done and is doing.  Thus these blogs serve a dual purpose: informing you, and by way of reflection and reminder, informing myself. I write not because I think my life is something special in and of itself, nor do I write because I think my thoughts are things that absolutely must be heard, but I write because I am a child of God walking through this life guided by the Holy Spirit and by sharing these thoughts, struggles, highs, lows, and really my entire heart, I hope to encourage and build up others and point you to the one whom even the wind and the waves obey. I hope by being open, it encourages you to open up more. I hope by showing you the way I responded to a certain situation, be it a right or wrong response, it would force you to ask how you yourself would respond and how does the bible call us to respond. And I hope that by giving you a window into my soul, it causes you to realize that though our experiences are not the same, there are others out there who feel, think, and live in a manner similar to you, and it can be a fruitful endeavor to share that experience. Because at the end of the day, it comes down to the fact that the Christian life is not meant to be lived alone, and thus, it is through these writings that I am simultaneously asking for you to come alongside me and offering to come alongside you as we seek to grow in grace and become the men and women of God we are meant to be.

With all of that said, here is a four word summary of all that has gone on in the past 4 months: My heart is happy.

Summer came and went by faster than it ever has before, and I think it’s because this is the first time in my life where summer was no longer the time of year where I got a 3 month vacation from the academic side of life. Being a year out of college and gainfully employed, the only thing significantly different about all I had to be doing was the weather. Summer did bring some changes to my work at Jill’s House though. The first is there were two new sets of employees, the summer interns and the new fellows (one year interns). The second change was that I finally went out to the offsite camp we do at Jill’s House, which has quickly grown into my favorite program we are able to offer these families, the reasons being the activities we do at camp are things the parents of children with special needs never dreamed of seeing them do (such as archery, a rope swing, a low ropes course, hiking, etc), the fact that at camp the default is to be hanging out with the kids instead of putting on a movie in their room, and also watching the impact these kids have on those serving them in just one weekend, be it the summer interns or O3 missionary teams. These changes have lead to some awesome new friendships and because of the energy and excitement the new employees brought with them it gave me a new and refreshed mindset about my job at Jill’s House.

The end of June also brought a huge change to the lives of two of my favorite people ever as they got married! Jason my roommate of two years and best friend at Masters finally got around to marrying Laura (they had been in a relationship for 3 years or so at the time).  Not only was I able to get out to California for the first time since graduation in order to witness the wedding, but I was also the best man in the wedding and it meant so much to me to have that honor as both Jason and Laura played such a huge and influential role in forming my college experience.

Sadly, doing camp 3 times in a row and going to California made the month of a June a rough one spiritually. Being gone from church 4 straight weekends, meaning I was unable to sit under the teaching of my pastor, unable to take communion, and unable to take part in that community for an entire month, took a toll on the soul. I mean of course I was still getting in the word as often as I can, still had some fellowship through my employees at Jill’s House or time with the families of my church, and could find sermons to listen to online, but it is certainly not the same. Thankfully during the school year the most I can do Camp is two times a month, and even then, only if I am scheduled to do so. That being said, it saddens me that two of the things I love very much in this life God has given me, are often at odds with each other. I would love to do camp every weekend possible as like I said earlier it has become my favorite program of Jill’s House, but then when I miss church, it saddens me to not only miss the worship, but within the community aspect I hate missing out on hearing about all the things going on in the lives of those God has called me to love in this particular body.

July and August were more typical of the months I have been having since becoming employed. I spent most of my time working (as August 22^nd was my first day off that entire month), reading, eating, sleeping, and building relationships (both at church and work). September was much of the same, though it wasn’t until midway through the month where the four word summary of my heart being happy really took shape. For one thing I have found another way to serve my church body and that way is by joining the church choir! Both by singing in the choir itself for the sake of the church and through the weekly practices at a families house, it has been wonderful to further dive into the life of the body. The other thing that has been happening is the fact that because of my birthday (where I turned 24) I have recently been able to start combining some of my friend groups! First off it made me feel extremely loved to be encouraged and celebrated by just about 20 of my favorite people at one of my favorite restaurants, but the best part of it was that two of my worlds collided. My best friends from high school were able to meet some of my favorite people from Jill’s House, and then two weeks later we were able to get together again and have a game night. I seriously can’t explain how much joy there is for me to be able to connect such incredible people, and the really cool part of it all is if you look at my post from April, God answered my prayer/desire of making my worlds a little bit smaller.

In my 24^th year of life, God granted me amazing employment where I literally am getting paid to love and serve people, some incredible groups (now becoming a group!) of friends, and has continued to bless me through my home church of Holy Trinity. So far in my 25^th, He has been continuing to build and refine those friendships, He has refreshed my love for my job, and continues to sustain me through His body. I am very grateful to be able to say that I am extremely content about where God has placed me right now, and I am very excited about the year to come. Ideally I would love to officially gain full time employment, and maybe move out of the house, but if God continues to work in and through me the way He has my entire life, it doesn’t matter what actually happens, all I know is that it’s going to be an incredible ride and I’m going to look a little more like Jesus.

Thank you all once again for taking the time to read and I hope this time has proved to be profitable for you! I promise it won't be 5 and a half months until you see my next update or general post. 

An Update on Life

One year ago today I was in sunny Southern California, finishing up what was an incredible experience at The Master’s College. There I made some of the best of friends, many of which I am still in contact with today, and there I learned much about My God and His Gospel, about the world around me, and about myself. Even with the financial burden it has caused on me, and the regrets I have about my time there, there’s really not much I would change. And that’s because, like every season of life, college didn’t quite go the way I had planned, but God’s plan was far better than anything I could have imagined.

Some of you know that the first month or so right after graduation I found myself in the lowest of pits (physically, emotionally and spiritually). Over time God brought me out of that using things like Soaring Over Seven, Church, friends, and eventually finding employment that I love. But once I had a job, social life, and church, and was a couple of months into that, I was once again in a rut (you can check out my old posts if you want to learn more of these events). And in a very really way, I had to relearn the truth that Christ is the only constant through the cycle of highs and lows that we call life.

So that brings me to today, just about a year out of school (the official marker is May 10^th), which is crazy to think about. I’m 6 months into my job at Jill’s House and I’ve begun picking up weekday hours, which is an exciting development as my goal is to get on full time in the next 6 months, but currently I still split my time working a second job at a construction company doing office work and data entry. I still live at home, and that’s ok. I’ll probably be here a few years as I look to take control of my student loans, and as much as I would love to move out, it’s the smart thing to do right now. Also I’m realizing that there’s quite a bit of maturing I need to do before I’d be ready to live on my own, and while I readily acknowledge that type of growth is something that could take place by diving in, it’s also something I can go about here as long as I’m intentional in seeking it. My social life is pretty spread out, as there are a ton of relationships I have been able to invest in, which suits me just fine as my favorite thing in the world is to love on and connect with people (hence why I love my job at Jill’s House so much), be it my awesome coworkers, church families, high school friends still in the area, family in general, or other amazing people that God has brought into my life through various events. Part of me wishes I could bring these 4 or so worlds closer together, but it is what is right now and maybe over time that could change. I still read quite a bit, I’m at 8 books so far in 2014, and am currently reading two more, one on introversion called Quiet (by Susan Cain), and the other is a book on God’s word and what it says about itself called Taking God at His Word, written by Kevin DeYoung.

Anyways the point of all of that was to get to what God has been doing in my heart and mind over the past year, there are two major things. The first is that I’m starting to learn that even post college, life still happens at an incredible rate. Ya maybe some things are fewer and farther between (like hanging out with or catching up with friends), but there have been just as many ‘big’ moments in my life as there were in college. God is using this time of my life to shape me in the same exact way as He used college. The events may be different, but the purpose is the same, to further grow me into the image of Christ. Every single time I sat down to write a blog in this past year, I always had the same reaction. I would think to myself, you know, a lot actually has happened (for you see I thought the opposite was going to be true).  Maybe the things that took place were far more intangible than it was in college, but my heart and mind were certainly shaped. The sinfulness and weight of sin in my life has become more real to me than it ever has been, but so has the power of Christ.

The second is this: whenever I find myself down, I’ve learned that most of the time it’s a conflict between my idea of what my life is supposed to look like and what God’s plan for my life at the time is. Which I know for a fact God’s plan is better; I just stated that in my opening paragraph! It’s also a reflection of my sinfulness, again in a prideful way I let myself wallow in self-pity instead of allowing the Gospel of Christ to shape my thoughts. As that is the constant struggle: allowing and praying for these realities to shape my daily life. For as my Pastor said this past Easter Sunday when he opened up his sermon, “If Christ is resurrected, then everything is changed.” The gospel affects every single area and moment of our lives, and through the means of grace that Christ provides (His word and His church) we have all we need to live that out.

But that’s enough ranting for now, as I just wanted to both process and let you guys know about all that’s been going on in my life! I know some of this blog was a little scatter brained, so I’m sorry if it was a little difficult to get through, but I just wanted to get it down while I had the time. Anyways, thanks for reading as always, and I hope this can be an encouragement to you wherever you find yourself in life!

How long will I be held captive by the lies that I believe?

It has been quite awhile since the last time I posted in my blog, a lot has happened in that time and so I want to sit down and reflect over the past 2 months.

2014 could not have started any more perfectly than it did; I had 2 jobs, a newfound social life, and church life was at a high. Basically the busyness I so dearly craved during the months of unemployment I experienced post-graduation was in full swing. But somehow, for about 3 weeks there on the back end of January extending into early February, I found myself extremely depressed. Which that sounds completely ridiculous especially since so much was going right for me at the time, thus I will try to explain what I was feeling and the lies that I began believing.

The first lie I found myself believing around mid January, was that with life going so well, I didn’t need my relationship with Christ. I’m reminded of Proverbs 30 verses 8 and 9, “Remove far from me falsehood and lying; give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, lest I be full and deny you and say, “Who is the Lord?” Or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God.” I was full on life and did indeed deny him saying, “Who is the Lord?” I became lax with getting in the word on a daily basis, stopped going to church for a few weeks, and had convinced myself all this success was of my own doing and so I didn’t need the gospel. Like clockwork, old sins immediately began to pop up their little head. And once they reappeared, instead of repenting and grasping onto the grace of forgiveness that Christ has given, I spiraled down into the depths of self-pity and despair, diving into said sins even more. This had affected almost every area in my life; I was complaining about and over-analyzing relationships, I became impatient and unloving at my jobs, and most importantly I was drifting farther and farther away from the Lord. It wasn’t until the middle of February or so that Christ pulled me out of that spiral, choosing to do so through a very encouraging phone conversation with a friend where he reminded me of the constant need we have for the Gospel, especially when life is going well and the blessings are tangible.

Let me give you some context to explain the second and third lies I was believing at the time. On one of the many late nights during this period, which were caused by the depression and anxiety, I sent this text to one of my best friends (at 3:24 in the morning on Wednesday February 5th to be exact): “I can't figure out if I'm more miserable when I don't have anything happening in my life or when it's all happening but leading to nowhere.” There they are, the next two lies I found myself believing. The first of the two that’s not quite so obvious was that circumstances determined my state of being. I was finding my identity in the busyness and it was proving itself void. This is the exact opposite of what Paul is getting at in Philippians 4. Verses 11-13 read like this, “11Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Part of what Paul is saying here is that because he has Christ and finds his identity in Him, he can be content in any situation that life brings. Again, I was doing the opposite, I had found my identity in something other than Christ, i.e. the circumstances surrounding my life, and thus I was not content.

The third lie I believed comes at the end of the text, “or when it’s all happening but leading to nowhere.” What’s funny about this one is just a little over a month before I myself had written this sentence, “It doesn’t matter if 2014 will be the hardest and most difficult year of your life or the easiest and most exciting, because if you love God, it will be for your good, according to His purpose, for your sanctification, and He is going to finish what He started (Romans 8:28, Ephesians 1:11, 1st Thessalonians 4:3, Philippians 1:6).” So objectively, I knew the idea that my days weren’t going anywhere to be untrue, but clearly I believed it nonetheless. The truth of the matter is this, every single moment of life is important. God is constantly at work even when we can’t see it, every single day of life, in and through every single circumstance to make us look more like His Son. Why else would Paul exhort us to redeem the time? One of the books I read recently answers that question. “Paul says, 'Because the days are evil.' You live in a war zone. You get out of bed every morning and there is a battle raging for your soul, your life, your friendships, and your marriage. You can't afford to waste these moments. The war is won in the little skirmishes that take place throughout your life. 'Wake Up!' Paul says. 'You are at war.' (Relationships: A Mess Worth Making)"

So that was my past two months, things started out high only for God to bring me down low to make me more like His Son and restore me once again. As a friend said, I’ve been building a life and a community, while at the same time going through the inevitable parts/feelings of life and learning to work through them in a manner that reflects eternity and our Savior. Thank you again for reading, and hopefully my next post is not 2 months away!

A brief reflection of 2013.

It’s always fun to sit down and take some time and reflect on the past year of your life, seeing where God has brought you has an awesome way of getting you excited about where He’s going to take you next. It doesn’t matter if 2013 was the hardest and most difficult year of your life or the easiest and most exciting, because if you love God, it was for your good, according to His purpose, for your sanctification, and He is going to finish what He started (Romans 8:28, Ephesians 1:11, 1st Thessalonians 4:3, Philippians 1:6).

A very easy way for me to reflect on 2013 is to take the goals I (more expansively) set out for the year in a blog back in January and see how they played out. This past year I only laid out five, and I’ll be tackling them in reverse order. 

5. Make some sort of consistent habit of exercising and eating just a little bit healthier.

This one was a roller coaster ride of a goal. Some months I was working out 5 times a week, eating extremely healthy and had reached a fairly healthy weight, others I was drinking 3 sodas a day, didn’t even know what a vegetable was, and got a little chunky. The funny thing is I was pretty content in both directions of life. Overall I would say I probably failed at this one. 

4. To read 25 books. 

This one I am so excited to be able to say I nailed! I actually was able to finish 32 books this year, 11 of which were rereads. 

1-4 The entire Lord of the Rings Series including The Hobbit, J.R.R. Tolkien (The Hobbit was a reread)

5-9 The first five books of The Lost Years of Merlin series - T.A. Barron (The first 2 were rereads)
10-16 All seven Harry Potter Books - J.K. Rowling (All rereads)
17. A Severe Mercy - Sheldon Vanueken
18. The Mortification of Sin – John Owen
19. Holiness – J.C Ryle (Reread)
20. Doing Things Right in the Matters of the Heart – John Ensor
21. Passion and Purity – Elizabeth Elliot
22. Sex, Dating, and Relationships – Gerald Heistand and Jay Thomas
23. What He Must Be (if he wants to marry my daughter) - Voddie Baucham
24. Leading With Love – Alexander Strauch
25. In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day – Mark Batterson
26. Every Good Endeavour: Connecting Your Work to God’s Work – Timothy Keller
27. So Good They Can’t Ignore You: Why Skills Trump Passion in the Quest for Work You Love
28. Christians Get Depressed Too – David Murray
29. Finally Free: Fighting For Purity with the Power of Grace – Health Lambert
30. Crazy Busy – Kevin Deyoung
31. The Book Thief – Markus Zusak
32. Walking with God through Pain and Suffering – Timothy Keller

3. Lord willing, by years end to find a job, ANY job. I don’t care if it’s at a fast food place while I look elsewhere, just something to start working and paying off loans.

Looking back I can’t help but laugh and smile at this goal I set up for myself. If you had told me I’d be where I am now back in January I would have said you were crazy. God is just so good. Not only did God provide a job, He provided two! The first one (though the second one I got) is being an office lackey for a construction company here in Manassas. I do data entry, filing and the like. While not the most exciting position, I do actually enjoy it for 2 reasons. The first is I got it through a guy at my church and by working for him it has provided for multiple conversations with him and thus the ability to get to know a man I normally wouldn’t have even bothered talking to. Secondly, most of the time, I get to listen to my iPod for hours on end each day, and being the music fan that I am, it’s a perfect situation.

The second position I have is being a Child Care Specialist at Jill’s House, a respite center for children with special needs. And this is literally the best job ever. It only took 2 summers for me to completely fall in love with the idea of working with children with special needs and now I’m (for at least a time) doing it for a living! In college people would ask me what I wanted to do and I would always respond ‘I have no idea but all I know is I’d like to be able to love God and love people.’ What’s really awesome is that loving God and loving people is the very reason of Jill’s House existence. We get to love God by loving on a demographic that is very often neglected and viewed by much of the world as less than human. 

Not only do I love what I do, but I love the people I work with too. Seriously the staff at Jill’s House is just incredible. There are so many great examples (young and old!) of Godly living that it’s almost impossible not to grow if you’re even paying the slightest bit of attention. So while this job is certainly the most spiritually, mentally, and physically exhausting job I have ever worked, there’s not one thing I’d rather exhaust myself for. 

2. To graduate from The Master’s college, and make the most of my final semester.

So much has happened in the 2nd half of 2013 I almost forgot that this was the year I graduated from college! I cannot believe it has been over 6 months since that part of my life came to a close. While I’m not sure I can say I made the most of my final semester, I do know it was one the most complete semesters I ever had, at least relationally. It was one of the only semesters that my heart came out in one peace, and I did not waste time irrationally chasing girls for the sake of a relationship. And while one of the most important DTR’s I have ever had did occur during that semester, it was the first time I went about it the right way, stating intentions and not being completely devastated when it didn’t turn out the way I had hoped. I also was able to further develop the friendships I wanted and really invest in the guys God placed around me, which turned out to be such a blessing. God really did use those 3 years at Master’s to grow and develop me as a man, and some of that developing came out in my final semester. 

1. To fall more and more in love with my savior Jesus Christ and as J.C Ryle puts it, to grow in grace.

From my final semester of college, an awesome summer at Soaring Over Seven, my wonderful church home, the reaction I had when my dad had a brief scare and was taken the hospital, to the two jobs and amazing friends He has provided, 2013 was one of the first years where it was really evident for me to see the hand of God in my life. How can I look back on all that has come to pass this year and not be even more convinced of these two facts of life: The God of the Bible is real and His Word is true. 

Looking back and seeing what Christ has done in my life and the lives of those around me this year makes me so excited about all that is going to happen in 2014. Maybe this will be the year I meet my wife, maybe it will the year I move out of my parent’s house and get an apartment, maybe I can get on full time at Jill’s House, or maybe this will be the hardest year I will ever go through and my faith will be shaken. Who knows what is going to happen, but to repeat myself from the start of this blog and add a present tense to it: It doesn’t matter if 2014 will be the hardest and most difficult year of your life or the easiest and most exciting, because if you love God, it will be for your good, according to His purpose, for your sanctification, and He is going to finish what He started (Romans 8:28, Ephesians 1:11, 1st Thessalonians 4:3, Philippians 1:6). 

Happy New Years and once again thanks for taking the time to read!

Today was a very long day indeed.

It was just about a week and a half ago that I finished reading Tim Keller’s Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering. Today God put my new found understanding of suffering to the test and brought on somewhat of a scare.

It started out as a normal Sunday morning, I woke later than planned but was able to make my way to church just fine. In the middle of service, just after receiving communion, I received a text message. Normally I wouldn’t check my phone but it caught me off guard buzzing on the open seat next to me because there’s typically no service in the school building we hold our service at and normally I wouldn’t even receive said text in the first place until I was heading out to my car. I notice it’s from my mom, go ahead and open it and it reads, “Looks like I’m taking Dad to the hospital. Will call you later.” Now I think the average person’s response (and probably the right one) if they were in the same situation, would be to quietly get up out of their seat and make their way outside to try and find out more. I mean the service was almost over anyways, there was only a short time of prayer and a few more hymns left. But something told me to stay, and I immediately thought to myself, you know, there is no better time to receive news like this than when you’re in the midst of worshiping the one true God. So I stayed seated, tried my best to orient my heart and mind towards heaven and finished out the service. I even stayed after the service to help pack up the church (like I said we meet in the basement of a school and were packing up earlier than normal as due to inclement weather we weren’t going to have Sunday school). While interacting with those around me I answered the typical question of how are you with ‘doing well’, even when my mind was scattered and elsewhere. 

When I finally made my way out of the building, I contacted my mom to try and find out what was going on. I learned that earlier in the morning, my father had began complaining of a tightness of chest, a sudden sore throat and others around him had noticed his skin was becoming very pale. With all of that, the decision was made to dial 911 and get him to a hospital as soon as possible. At that point I asked if she wanted me to come to be with them, but because they had not received any results from the tests that had been done and the inclement weather, my mom commanded that I go home instead. In immediate outburst, I cried out “My dad’s in the hospital and you’re telling me to go home?” After I hung up the phone, I sat in the car unsure of what to do. I then asked myself, I wonder what’s more honoring to my parents, to listen and obey my mother’s request and go home, or act in defiance and come to the aid of my father going through this trial. 

By God’s grace, in attempt to respect my mother’s wishes, I chose the former and made my way home. As I pulled up to the house, I sat there debating my decision for a good five minutes. It was then that this song came up on my Ipod. The tears came streaming down. Regardless of what was happening, if my Dad were going to enter into glory or recover just fine, God was right there with both of us, and His love would not fail either way. I finally had the strength to get out of the car and begin the waiting game. 

I spent the next two hours anxiously sitting on the couch letting my mind wander to extremes calling my mom every half an hour looking for any information I could. And when that amounted to nothing, I finally accepted my fate and began to calm myself down. I then used the time to do my daily devotions, seeking the Lord through His word and bringing my heart before Him in prayer, and now I find myself writing this blog. 

During my devotion time I was reminded of who God is, His purposes, the brevity of life, the fact that He is our refuge and strength, and that He will be with us through it all. We never know when God is going to call us home, but we do know that in the little time He has given us we are called to spend it for His glory. We also know that suffering is a normal part of this life because of the sinful state of this world, but the fact of the matter is that God uses it according to His purposes and for the good of those who love Him. In the ultimate act of suffering, Jesus Christ came down from heaven and died on the cross, taking the punishment for our sin and experiencing separation from the Father. All of this was done so that through His resurrection we can now die to ourselves and find new life in Him. 

Currently my Dad is spending the night at a Kaiser Permanente getting some blood tests done and will have more done later tonight so the doctors will be able to compare the results. Tomorrow he will see a cardiologist and also undergo a stress test, which will most likely lead to some lifestyle changes. But as of right now, no one is under the impression it is immediately life threatening, so praise God for that. 

Thankfully this time around it was just a scare. Although with that being said, just hours after all of this has occurred, I can already see how God is using this in my own personal walk with Him and I hope that it can be an encouragement to yours as well. Also, I am thankful for and encouraged by all of you who have been praying for my family on this hectic day, it is truly a wonderful blessing to see and know that so many people are supporting us. And as always, thanks for reading!

So who is marriage for anyway?

If you’ve been anywhere around facebook lately, you’ve run into some form of the infamous ‘Marriage Isn’t For You’ article, either the article itself, or the various responses, one depicting an abusive relationship taking the articles policies to the extreme, and most recently one arguing that marriage is ultimately for God. And while in the long run, I would tend to agree with the last article, I would like to propose something: maybe, just maybe, marriage is multifaceted. Maybe marriage is for you, your spouse, others (something that hasn’t been brought up), AND God, all at the same time.

So let’s begin with the idea that marriage can be and actually is for you. This is something I think both the original and response article get wrong. There are at least two ways it’s for you, marriage is something for you to enjoy and it’s for your sanctification. Proverbs 5:18-19 states “Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” While in context, these verses are about avoiding the seductive adulteress painted in the first half of chapter five and turning to your wife instead, they make a very important point, your spouse and therefore marriage is something for you to rejoice in and be intoxicated by. Next, marriage is also for your sanctification. A great article about that, which discusses this aspect in the context of staggering divorce rates and marrying the ‘wrong’ person, can be read here. Ultimately we know that the will of God for our lives is our sanctification (1st Thessalonians 4:3). Well, if getting married is a part of your life, then it’s part of your sanctification. Marriage brings out both the best and worst of each person that takes part in it, and it is the worst in us that God often uses marriage to exploit and then begin to cleanse. In Genesis God stated that “it is not good that man should be alone, I will make him a helper fit for him” (emphasis mine), God presented Adam with a wife for his sake! 

But this verse also gets us to the second point that marriage is also for your spouse. Relationships are a two way street, and in the same way that marriage is something for you to enjoy and for your sanctification, it’s also for your spouse to enjoy and be sanctified through. Marriage requires you in the most intense way to love another as you love yourself, and count that person more important than yourself. In marriage we are presenting ourselves as a gift to be given to and enjoyed by the other. As the original article in question so keenly points out, Sin (the article uses selfishness) contorts our thinking to ask the question “What can I get from this person?” but love asks, “What can I give?” On the other hand, like the response stating marriage is about God points out, “Marriage is not only about making your spouse happy, it’s about making them holy.” This is how it’s for their sanctification as well. Not only does marriage exploit our own sins, but it exploits theirs as well, and we need to lovingly point them out and point them to Christ. 

Third, marriage is for others. Let us not forget that one of the major purposes of marriage is to be fruitful and multiply, aka, have children. So in one sense marriage is for them, but let’s look at another aspect. At the end of Ephesians 5, which lays out how wives and husbands should interact and how they ultimately become one flesh, Paul says something astounding, “This mystery is profound and I am saying it refers to Christ and the Church.” A godly marriage is ultimately a picture of Christ and His Church, and it is a picture that is meant to be seen by others. When the wife lovingly submits and respects the husband, and the husband sacrificially loves his wife as himself, nourishing and cherishing her, together they not only set an example for other couples, but they will ultimately point others to Christ (the final point), even single people. A godly marriage is a shadow of how Christ loves His people, and it is a shadow through which His love can be seen and experienced. 

And finally, marriage is ultimately for God. Not only is marriage a picture that points to Christ and His Church as I pointed out above, but like the response article points out, it is also for His glory. In fact, all of life is ultimately for the glory of God, and it is something we as Christians should strive to live for. “So whether you eat or drink, whatever you do, do all for the glory of God. 1st Corinthians 10:31” I’m fairly certain that ‘whatever you do’ includes getting married. 

In a brief and very incomplete way, I hope I was able to show that marriage is not so easy to pin down. The Christian can gladly affirm an article saying it’s for your spouse, because it is! But not only for your spouse, it is for yourself, others, and ultimately God. And as always, thanks for reading!

Exciting News!

I am really excited to announce to the world that I have finally come to find some employment! I will be working as a part time Child Care Specialist at a place called Jill's House, which is a respite center for children with special needs tied very close with Mclean Bible Church. The position of Child Care Specialist is very similar to what I did at the camp I worked at the past two summers, just way more involved and a lot more paperwork, haha. Ideally this will eventually turn into a full time position, as they have a one year internship program I'm really interested in, but in the mean time I will be seeking out a second part time job, though I am extremely grateful that God has provided this first position. Below you can read an excerpt of an email I sent to Mary who is the director of the camp I worked for and the Child/Youth Services Coordinator of the Tyson's Campus Access ministry. She was the one who hired me two summers ago to work at Soaring Over Seven. This excerpt is basically a brief telling of the story of how God moved in my heart over the past two years towards possibly working in the special needs field and while some of the thoughts are repeated from earlier blogs, it's something I thought worth sharing again.

"A year and a half ago if someone would have told me I was going to be working in a field for children with special needs I would have said they were crazy. And if I'm honest with myself, I only applied for and took the job at S.O.S. that first summer because I desperately needed a summer job and was willing to do just about anything. But that summer completely changed my world. It opened my eyes to a demographic that desperately needs the love of Christ but is often passed over and dismissed. And it also provided me with a new perspective to the Gospel of Christ, as the love we were able to show these kids, who more often than not can't show love in return, at least in a way we would recognize, is very much like the love Christ has shown those He called to be His. And then on top of that, even after a rough and tiring day, no matter if a child yelled at, hit or bit you, to be forced to come back the next day and love them all the same as if none of that ever happened, was yet another picture of God's love for us. Not only were we incapable of loving Him before He called us, but He continues to love us the same even on the days where we run away from and rebel against Him in our sin.

So after the summer of 2012, I knew I just had to come back the next year. I even told my parents the second I got home from school that I wasn't even going to think about finding a full time job until I got to do S.O.S again. For the first time in my life, I had found something that I was excited to get up and exhaust myself for. Being a Group Coordinator this time around definitely had its fair share of challenges, and at times I definitely felt spread thin, as instead of pouring myself into one child, it was now 15. But thanks be to God He provided the grace to make it through and definitely reinforced those lessons I had learned from the first summer. On top of that though, He also did something I was not expecting at all this summer. He used camp to provide me with a wonderful group of friends through my coworkers, right after I had just said goodbye to a good amount of friends as I left school and was unsure what friendships would look like for me now that I was back home. 

All in all, God used Soaring Over Seven and the last three months of serving at breakout/breakaway to really open up my heart for those with special needs, and also my heart for the lost, as those who are not in Christ have a far greater spiritual need than any physical need in this world. These past two summers He really began to imprint the idea that maybe this was a field of work I would like to go into. And with this opportunity I have at Jill's House, I now have the ability to take steps in that direction!"

Thank you all who have been praying for me in my search for employment, it has been a long and slow process over the past 3 months, but God definitely had His purpose for it all. Please continue to be praying that I find a second part time job and if it is His will, that down the road this opportunity will possibly turn into a full time one.

Oh hey, I'm 23.

Unemployed, single, and living with my parents… not quite where I thought I was going to be at this point in my life. Especially when I look around and see a good number of friends, the same age as me, married/in a serious relationship, or at the very least working a full time job and living on their own (and sometimes grad school is thrown on top of one or all of the previously listed states). It’s very easy to see those people and then become discouraged by the circumstances I find myself in.

But thanks be to God that I can rest in the fact that God has me exactly where I am supposed to be. The second half of Psalm 139:16 says “in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. (ESV)” Every moment of my life has been directed by Him and they are all according to His will, for my good, and for the purpose of sanctification (Ephesians 1:11, Romans 8:28, 1st Thessalonians 4:3). Let me reiterate: every trial, every triumph, every failure, every single thing that happens, is according to will of God, for our good, and for our sanctification. God has also promised to provide all that we need telling us not to be anxious about those things, and so a job (and maybe a wife?) will come in His perfect timing.

That being said, a good portion of why I am in the state I am, is due to my own sinfulness. I mean a good reason as to why the job hunt has been going so poorly is because I have been extremely lazy when it comes to the search. The acts of even filling out applications, formatting my resume, working on cover letters, or even sending out emails to express interest/ask for help/advice have been mental battles that I’ve far too often lost. Part of it is that I have no idea what field of work I’d like to go into and so I tell myself that I’ll attack the market once I figure that out, but if I’m honest with myself, the truth is I’ve been scared, pessimistic, and altogether selfish. Scared that I’ll step into the wrong job, scared to actually move on from and let go of the college lifestyle, scared to take chances, scared of change. I’ve been pessimistic by getting down on myself when a lead doesn’t come through, and allowing my self to feel down because a lot of my friends are gone for school, or the ones that are here all have jobs so it’s hard to see them all that often. To describe it in one word though, it comes down to the fact that I’ve been selfish. I have chosen more often then not to allow myself to wallow in self-pity, fall into idleness and run to my sin for comfort instead of running to Christ.

Thankfully, these are all things that by the grace of God are correctible, and it starts with preaching the Gospel to myself daily. I need to remind myself of the truths I spoke about in my second paragraph. I need to remind myself that I am a sinner who by the grace of God, has been purchased by the blood of Christ. On top of that He has also provided multiple means of grace that allow me to draw near to Him, and through the Holy Spirit He helps me to do so! And finally, I need to remind myself of the support that God has given me in my friends, family, and church. There are whole waves of people praying for me and to know that is so encouraging to my heart, especially when I let it dwell on that fact.

God has given me 23 wonderful years of life, and as I begin to look more at Him and less at myself, I cannot wait to see where He brings me in the 24th. As always, thanks for reading, and as I share about my life I hope and pray it is an encouragement to yours!