An Open Letter to My Weary Soul

It has been a long couple of months, and while we are just 3 months into 2016 it feels almost as if it’s 2020 or something. The sleepless and anxiety filled nights have come more frequently (in fact this blog is the product of one), the tears have been flowing freely at the slightest provocation and I couldn’t even tell you why, and the hope that once seemed certain feels lost. When a dear friend a week and a half ago asked me how life was going I framed it this way: “Sometimes being in my mid twenties, single, and living with my parents with crippling student loans feels like lent with no sign of Easter.” Just 2 days after saying that, on Good Friday nonetheless, I ran into this article, and was reminded of a promise that at the time struck the chords of my soul, Easter is coming.

Indeed, Easter did come, and everything rests on that moment. But the days are still hard, the nights are still long, and the tears keep falling. Which surprisingly, is resoundingly okay. Lesslie Newbigin once famously said, "I am neither an optimist nor a pessimist. Jesus Christ is risen from the dead." We can face life with a realism that allows us to both feel the pains and adversities of life and see them for what they are, and at the same time we do not despair because we can rest in the ultimate hope that we have as Christians, that we too one day will be raised with Christ and on top of that, right now at this very moment God is using everything to make us more like His Son.

So here we go soul, let me remind you of a couple of promises that are yours, ones that are verified and proven true because of that very first Easter.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit” Psalm 34:18. This is probably my favorite verse in all of scripture. First off, it is a reminder that even though we are in Christ, we are not suddenly exempt from the pains of life.  We all will at times feel the pangs of depression, be brokenhearted, become disappointed, suffer some grave injustice, or go through some other tragedy. But the fact of the matter is that The Lord is right there with you in the midst of it all and at some point, you will get through it. He has not abandoned you but instead He is close, He is moving in and through you, and He is most importantly making great use out of these troubling times, so hold on.

Next, “Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved” Psalm 55:22. Or as 1^st Peter 5:7 tells us, we should be “casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” Christ is not indifferent to our suffering, he feels it just as deeply as you do, probably even more so, and he wants to be the sustainer of your soul. All you need to do is give it over to Him, and then, even when you are weary from it all, you can find rest.

And these are just two, I could go on all day with the promises of scripture. I could turn to Philippians 1:6 showing you that God is not done with you yet. And what about Philippians 4 where we learn we have the ability to be content in every situation and can rest in the fact that God is going to supply every need (or Matthew 6). Really, all of Scripture is a promise from God that though we turned away from him in our selfishness, He is faithful in seeking us out, reconciling us to Himself through the life, death, and resurrection of His Son, making us new through His Spirit, and bringing it all together with the new heavens and earth where He is going to wipe away every single tear, all for His glory. So drink deeply of said scripture, learn it, cultivate it into your every day life, and remember that because that first Easter happened, your Easter is coming.

Autumn and The Faithfulness of God

These past few days of low 80’s during the day and mid 70’s in the evening have caused me to realize that I am oh so ready for fall to come around. It’s my favorite time of year: the amazing weather, the colorful and crunchy leaves, the long-sleeve shirts and sweaters (particularly flannel), and of course, all those pumpkin spice lattes. 

It is this fall though, on September 17th to be exact, that I am going to be 25, and I’m not quite sure where 24 went. A couple of weeks ago I wrote about my last year as a CCS at Jill’s House, and now I want to talk about my 20’s as a whole as I approach the halfway point. Which if you want to get an idea of where I am going with this, I would encourage you to read this article, one I resonated with deeply, entitled ‘When Your Twenties Are Darker Than Expected.’

My 20’s started out on a high note, when I dropped everything and moved to California to go to a small Christian college I knew nothing about other than the fact that my best friend was there. That decision came after two years of what was essentially filled with depression and solitude, studying at the local community college taking mostly online classes and working part-time at my old high school. During my three years at Master’s I made wonderful friends, learned an incredible amount about myself and my God, and failed quite often. Check out my posts from 2012 through May 2013 to get a more in-depth look. In short, Relationships (particularly those of the romantic variety) were my idol, laziness plagued me, self-pity was my real major, and yet, God still worked in and through me. Those were also the years where I discovered my love for working with kids with special needs leading to my current job at Jill’s House. 

Other than the two years of community college, the first 2 months post Graduation were probably the darkest times I have ever experienced in my entire life. Feeling like I was expected to conquer the world, I crumbled at the weight of it all and threw in the towel before it even started. The depression was real, all hope was lost, and Christ was an afterthought. You can read my painful confession in the post from June 2013 entitled ‘To anyone who might possibly care.’ But it is in those dark times, like sunlight bursting through a rain cloud, that the radiance of Christ shines most bright.

Though the last two years have been much better and I can gladly say I’m the most content I’ve ever been, the time certainly has been filled with it’s own struggles. Often I feel stuck, be it my student loans, living at home, feelings of loneliness, reoccurring relational mistakes, or fighting the exact same sinful tendencies that I’ve seen in my life since the moment Christ opened my eyes. But if I’m honest, the things that at times make me feel stuck are actually helpful:

· Fighting sin is going to be a life-long battle, but in it I’m reminded of my need for Christ and reminded of the fact that He has already conquered it through his incarnation, life, death, resurrection and ascension, and because of that, there is hope.

· Relationship mistakes remind me I am already in the perfect family, I am a child of God, and the people of His Church are my brothers and sisters. My mistakes allow others to come alongside me and practice the one-another’s, and vice versa. The friendships I’ve built and continued to build post-college have been some of the richest and most fruitful of my entire life.

· Feelings of loneliness remind me that in actuality, I am never alone. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). Never was anyone more alone than when Christ took the sins of the world upon himself upon the cross. And now the one who understands and loves me completely, lives in me through the Holy Spirit.

· God knows I desire to move out of the house and to pay off my student loans, and I think these are great things to desire. It means that even though I am content with where Christ has me, I’m not complacent. But I also understand this, God will supply every need I have. And right now, He has given me a job I love that at the moment financially only allows me to work on my student loans and have a social life. With that said I am also extremely grateful for parents who love me enough to let me stay at home during these years, and yet provide me with enough space to grow and face these things on my own.


In summary, so far in my 20’s, God has provided me with a college education, God brought me through an extremely dark time in my life, God provided me with my first job, God has given me some great friendships, He has lovingly let me fail and turn to Him through grace and repentance, and He is using all of that to continually conform me to the image of His Son. I expect much of the same in the second half of my 20's and I am so excited for all that God is going to do with 25! Thanks for taking the time to read!

The Struggles and Blessings of being a CCS

 One year ago, I was a part-time Childcare Specialist at Jill's House, but for the last 6 months or so, I have been full time. There have been both blessings and struggles (which are ultimately blessings) in becoming full-time, though I think that is the case with any transition. First-off, doing the job that I do full-time is an all around exhausting affair, mentally, physically, and spiritually. There certainly have been days where my patience has worn thin, my heart and mind have grown weary, and the monotony of it all has just gotten to me. In the summer most of my hours come from the 8-4 camp days, meaning I leave my house at 6:15am and get home after 5:30pm, which the traffic just adds to the mental strain of it all (though having evenings is extremely nice). During the school year, though the traffic is lighter, the shift schedule can be wearisome, whether that being a 12 hour double or working the 1-9 just to return at 6am the next morning (or sometimes both). And while there are tremendous upsides to working for an Organization based on Christian principles that has a very godly purpose, (which I will get to into in s second), sometimes the Christianity of it all can actually create the struggles. Yes, there are weeks when you need to make sacrifices, taking on extra shifts to fill the child to staff disparity, happily coming in on a moments notice to cover for a fellow staff-member who has called out, or working a shift you probably shouldn't be because of your own health, etc. But it is when those sacrifices have become the norm and the expectation, to the point where there is a shaming of the workers who don't make them every single time it is asked of them, all under the so called banner of loving these kids, that you create the burn-out and high turnover culture we have here at JH, both on the CCS and corporate side of things. One set of biblical principles: mainly service and sacrifice, have been propelled above another: rest, humility, faithfulness, longevity. And how ironic that a place designed to give and provide rest doesn’t understand the importance of it for it’s own employees.

With all of that said, the blessings of working here far outweigh the difficulties. First of all, to even work at Jill’s House, you have to at least nominally be a Christian, and have some idea of how your faith impacts the work you do. Within that we have a devotion and time of prayer before each shift, and conversations about faith with your peers are the norm, which is a very different picture from the typical work environment. Another aspect of that is the wonderful relationships I have been able to build. I go to a church that averages maybe 75 people, and I can count on one hand the number of people there who are in their mid twenties and single. Jill’s House helps me to have fellowship with those my own age. Second, the intentions of Jill’s House are ones worth fighting for, to provide rest for parents of kids with special needs by loving there kids with the love of Christ through overnight and daytime respite care, and pointing both the kids and their families to the one in whom eternal rest can be found all for His glory. This is the biggest reason why I love Jill’s House, for what we do and why we do it, despite how tiring it can be. Third, and I've said this one many times before, I have always told be people that no matter what I do, I want to love God by loving people, and for the time being, this is very much my literal job. How cool is it that I am paid to love these kids? Fourth, not only do I have like minded coworkers and can find encouragement that way, but these kids point me to Christ all of the time. They have taught me about patience, passion, finding joy in the small things, righteous anger, compassion, and many other things.

Jill’s House is an incredibly special place, and God has definitely used it to grow me over the last year (and really since the day I started). I am grateful for what He has already done in my life through this place, and am excited about what He is going to do in the time I have left, however long that may be. As always, thanks for taking the time to read and I hope you were able to find it profitable in some way.

2014 in Music and Books

Much of life is affected by the media that we intake, especially here in America. So in light of that, as a small way of reflecting over the past year, I would like to share a list of my 20 favorite Albums of 2014, and the list of books that I read this year (outside of the Bible).

Favorite Albums of 2014

1. Bleachers – Strange Desire
Back when Taylor Swift was releasing a song a week the 3 or four weeks before 1989 dropped – of which I had a feeling that was going to be my album of the year, she released her single Out of the Woods – a song she had cowritten with Jack Antonoff the guitarist of Fun. When Out of the Woods was released, most people on the music website I frequent compared it to Bleachers, the solo side project of Jack. I immediately decided to check out said band, and I was immediately floored. Strange Desire is a larger than life pop album straight from the 80’s and I freaking adore it.

2. Taylor Swift – 1989
T Swift has finally dropped the pop/country act and went full on pop for this record and it’s the best decision she ever made. That’s all I’ll say about that.

3. Damien Rice – My Favourite Faded Fantasy
A man, his guitar, some strings drums and piano, and the pouring out of his heart and soul into his lyrics leads to one of the biggest emotional roller coasters you will ever ride on, leaving you completely drained, yet somehow inspired.

4. Colony House – When I was Younger
This is a coming of age album. It is an accepting of all that has taken place in your life, growing up and becoming an adult, facing the crappy parts of life in a hopeful way and moving forward kind of album, all in the context of my go to pop/rock sound.

5. Mike Main & The Branches – Calm Down, Everything is Fine
Pop/Rock at it’s finest singing about life and relationships.

Albums 6-20 could be pretty much interchanged in their order. Mostly rock, pop/rock, indie pop, and all types of female fronted pop.

Andrew McMahon in The Wilderness – Andrew McMahon in The Wilderness

Copeland – Ixora

Yellowcard – Lift a Sail

Ingrid Michaelson – Lights Out

Lights – Little Machines

Anberlin – Lowborn

Neon Trees – Pop Psychology

Number One Gun – This is All We Know

Blondfire – Young Heart

The Cinema – Talking in Your Sleep

Chad Perrone – Kaleidoscope

Switchfoot- Fading West

From Indian Lakes – Absent Sounds

Pompeii – Loom  

One Direction – FOUR

When it comes to the books that I have read this year, I was able to finish 28, which falls short of the 32 I read last year. Though all of these were first time reads, unlike last year where 11 were re-reads. This is in the order that I completed them, and the ones with asterisks are my favorites from the year and ones I would easily recommend to anyone (which I realize was most of them, but what can I say, I read a lot of good books this year!).

Book List 2014 

1. A Serious Call to a Devout and Holy Life – William Law
2. Out of My Mind – Sharon M Draper *
3. The Holiness of God – R.C. Sproul *
4. Finishing Our Course With Joy : Guidance from God for Engaging Our Aging – J.I. Packer *
5. Relationships – A Mess Worth Making – Timothy S. Lane, Paul David Tripp
6. The Freedom of Self-forgetfulness – Timothy Keller
7. The Meaning of Marriage – Timothy Keller *
8. Biggest Brother: The Life of Major Dick Winters, The Man Who Led The Band of Brothers – Larry Alexander *
9. Taking God At His Word: Why the Bible is knowable, necessary, and enough, and what that means for you and me – Kevin DeYoung *
10. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking – Susan Cain *
11. Weakness Is the Way: Life with Chris Our Strength – J.I. Packer *
12. Know the Creeds and Councils – Justin S. Holcomb
13. God’s Will: Finding Guidance for Everyday Decisions – J.I. Packer and Carolyn Nystrom *
14. Ender’s Game – Orson Scott Card *
15. Speaker of The Dead – Orson Scott Card
16. Xenocide – Orson Scott Card
17. Children of the Mind – Orson Scott Card
18. Home – Marilynne Robinson *
19. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime – Mark Haddon *
20. Knots Untied – J.C. Ryle
21. Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy – Eric Metaxas *
22. A Shepherd Looks at The 23rd Psalm – Phillip Keller *
23. The Fault in Our Stars – John Green
24. Loving Well (Even If You Haven’t Been) – William P. Smith *
25. Lila – Marilynne Robinson *
26. Ordinary – Michael Horton *
27. Prayer: Experiencing Awe and Intimacy with God – Timothy Keller *
28. Dancing with Max – Emily Colson *

Why I write, and the Happiness of my Heart

One of the saddest parts of 2014 so far has been the fact that I’ve let myself fall so far behind in writing. For me, writing these blogs is a time of reflection that while updating those of you who read it about all that is going on in my life, they also help me process all that God has done and is doing.  Thus these blogs serve a dual purpose: informing you, and by way of reflection and reminder, informing myself. I write not because I think my life is something special in and of itself, nor do I write because I think my thoughts are things that absolutely must be heard, but I write because I am a child of God walking through this life guided by the Holy Spirit and by sharing these thoughts, struggles, highs, lows, and really my entire heart, I hope to encourage and build up others and point you to the one whom even the wind and the waves obey. I hope by being open, it encourages you to open up more. I hope by showing you the way I responded to a certain situation, be it a right or wrong response, it would force you to ask how you yourself would respond and how does the bible call us to respond. And I hope that by giving you a window into my soul, it causes you to realize that though our experiences are not the same, there are others out there who feel, think, and live in a manner similar to you, and it can be a fruitful endeavor to share that experience. Because at the end of the day, it comes down to the fact that the Christian life is not meant to be lived alone, and thus, it is through these writings that I am simultaneously asking for you to come alongside me and offering to come alongside you as we seek to grow in grace and become the men and women of God we are meant to be.

With all of that said, here is a four word summary of all that has gone on in the past 4 months: My heart is happy.

Summer came and went by faster than it ever has before, and I think it’s because this is the first time in my life where summer was no longer the time of year where I got a 3 month vacation from the academic side of life. Being a year out of college and gainfully employed, the only thing significantly different about all I had to be doing was the weather. Summer did bring some changes to my work at Jill’s House though. The first is there were two new sets of employees, the summer interns and the new fellows (one year interns). The second change was that I finally went out to the offsite camp we do at Jill’s House, which has quickly grown into my favorite program we are able to offer these families, the reasons being the activities we do at camp are things the parents of children with special needs never dreamed of seeing them do (such as archery, a rope swing, a low ropes course, hiking, etc), the fact that at camp the default is to be hanging out with the kids instead of putting on a movie in their room, and also watching the impact these kids have on those serving them in just one weekend, be it the summer interns or O3 missionary teams. These changes have lead to some awesome new friendships and because of the energy and excitement the new employees brought with them it gave me a new and refreshed mindset about my job at Jill’s House.

The end of June also brought a huge change to the lives of two of my favorite people ever as they got married! Jason my roommate of two years and best friend at Masters finally got around to marrying Laura (they had been in a relationship for 3 years or so at the time).  Not only was I able to get out to California for the first time since graduation in order to witness the wedding, but I was also the best man in the wedding and it meant so much to me to have that honor as both Jason and Laura played such a huge and influential role in forming my college experience.

Sadly, doing camp 3 times in a row and going to California made the month of a June a rough one spiritually. Being gone from church 4 straight weekends, meaning I was unable to sit under the teaching of my pastor, unable to take communion, and unable to take part in that community for an entire month, took a toll on the soul. I mean of course I was still getting in the word as often as I can, still had some fellowship through my employees at Jill’s House or time with the families of my church, and could find sermons to listen to online, but it is certainly not the same. Thankfully during the school year the most I can do Camp is two times a month, and even then, only if I am scheduled to do so. That being said, it saddens me that two of the things I love very much in this life God has given me, are often at odds with each other. I would love to do camp every weekend possible as like I said earlier it has become my favorite program of Jill’s House, but then when I miss church, it saddens me to not only miss the worship, but within the community aspect I hate missing out on hearing about all the things going on in the lives of those God has called me to love in this particular body.

July and August were more typical of the months I have been having since becoming employed. I spent most of my time working (as August 22^nd was my first day off that entire month), reading, eating, sleeping, and building relationships (both at church and work). September was much of the same, though it wasn’t until midway through the month where the four word summary of my heart being happy really took shape. For one thing I have found another way to serve my church body and that way is by joining the church choir! Both by singing in the choir itself for the sake of the church and through the weekly practices at a families house, it has been wonderful to further dive into the life of the body. The other thing that has been happening is the fact that because of my birthday (where I turned 24) I have recently been able to start combining some of my friend groups! First off it made me feel extremely loved to be encouraged and celebrated by just about 20 of my favorite people at one of my favorite restaurants, but the best part of it was that two of my worlds collided. My best friends from high school were able to meet some of my favorite people from Jill’s House, and then two weeks later we were able to get together again and have a game night. I seriously can’t explain how much joy there is for me to be able to connect such incredible people, and the really cool part of it all is if you look at my post from April, God answered my prayer/desire of making my worlds a little bit smaller.

In my 24^th year of life, God granted me amazing employment where I literally am getting paid to love and serve people, some incredible groups (now becoming a group!) of friends, and has continued to bless me through my home church of Holy Trinity. So far in my 25^th, He has been continuing to build and refine those friendships, He has refreshed my love for my job, and continues to sustain me through His body. I am very grateful to be able to say that I am extremely content about where God has placed me right now, and I am very excited about the year to come. Ideally I would love to officially gain full time employment, and maybe move out of the house, but if God continues to work in and through me the way He has my entire life, it doesn’t matter what actually happens, all I know is that it’s going to be an incredible ride and I’m going to look a little more like Jesus.

Thank you all once again for taking the time to read and I hope this time has proved to be profitable for you! I promise it won't be 5 and a half months until you see my next update or general post. 

An Update on Life

One year ago today I was in sunny Southern California, finishing up what was an incredible experience at The Master’s College. There I made some of the best of friends, many of which I am still in contact with today, and there I learned much about My God and His Gospel, about the world around me, and about myself. Even with the financial burden it has caused on me, and the regrets I have about my time there, there’s really not much I would change. And that’s because, like every season of life, college didn’t quite go the way I had planned, but God’s plan was far better than anything I could have imagined.

Some of you know that the first month or so right after graduation I found myself in the lowest of pits (physically, emotionally and spiritually). Over time God brought me out of that using things like Soaring Over Seven, Church, friends, and eventually finding employment that I love. But once I had a job, social life, and church, and was a couple of months into that, I was once again in a rut (you can check out my old posts if you want to learn more of these events). And in a very really way, I had to relearn the truth that Christ is the only constant through the cycle of highs and lows that we call life.

So that brings me to today, just about a year out of school (the official marker is May 10^th), which is crazy to think about. I’m 6 months into my job at Jill’s House and I’ve begun picking up weekday hours, which is an exciting development as my goal is to get on full time in the next 6 months, but currently I still split my time working a second job at a construction company doing office work and data entry. I still live at home, and that’s ok. I’ll probably be here a few years as I look to take control of my student loans, and as much as I would love to move out, it’s the smart thing to do right now. Also I’m realizing that there’s quite a bit of maturing I need to do before I’d be ready to live on my own, and while I readily acknowledge that type of growth is something that could take place by diving in, it’s also something I can go about here as long as I’m intentional in seeking it. My social life is pretty spread out, as there are a ton of relationships I have been able to invest in, which suits me just fine as my favorite thing in the world is to love on and connect with people (hence why I love my job at Jill’s House so much), be it my awesome coworkers, church families, high school friends still in the area, family in general, or other amazing people that God has brought into my life through various events. Part of me wishes I could bring these 4 or so worlds closer together, but it is what is right now and maybe over time that could change. I still read quite a bit, I’m at 8 books so far in 2014, and am currently reading two more, one on introversion called Quiet (by Susan Cain), and the other is a book on God’s word and what it says about itself called Taking God at His Word, written by Kevin DeYoung.

Anyways the point of all of that was to get to what God has been doing in my heart and mind over the past year, there are two major things. The first is that I’m starting to learn that even post college, life still happens at an incredible rate. Ya maybe some things are fewer and farther between (like hanging out with or catching up with friends), but there have been just as many ‘big’ moments in my life as there were in college. God is using this time of my life to shape me in the same exact way as He used college. The events may be different, but the purpose is the same, to further grow me into the image of Christ. Every single time I sat down to write a blog in this past year, I always had the same reaction. I would think to myself, you know, a lot actually has happened (for you see I thought the opposite was going to be true).  Maybe the things that took place were far more intangible than it was in college, but my heart and mind were certainly shaped. The sinfulness and weight of sin in my life has become more real to me than it ever has been, but so has the power of Christ.

The second is this: whenever I find myself down, I’ve learned that most of the time it’s a conflict between my idea of what my life is supposed to look like and what God’s plan for my life at the time is. Which I know for a fact God’s plan is better; I just stated that in my opening paragraph! It’s also a reflection of my sinfulness, again in a prideful way I let myself wallow in self-pity instead of allowing the Gospel of Christ to shape my thoughts. As that is the constant struggle: allowing and praying for these realities to shape my daily life. For as my Pastor said this past Easter Sunday when he opened up his sermon, “If Christ is resurrected, then everything is changed.” The gospel affects every single area and moment of our lives, and through the means of grace that Christ provides (His word and His church) we have all we need to live that out.

But that’s enough ranting for now, as I just wanted to both process and let you guys know about all that’s been going on in my life! I know some of this blog was a little scatter brained, so I’m sorry if it was a little difficult to get through, but I just wanted to get it down while I had the time. Anyways, thanks for reading as always, and I hope this can be an encouragement to you wherever you find yourself in life!

How long will I be held captive by the lies that I believe?

It has been quite awhile since the last time I posted in my blog, a lot has happened in that time and so I want to sit down and reflect over the past 2 months.

2014 could not have started any more perfectly than it did; I had 2 jobs, a newfound social life, and church life was at a high. Basically the busyness I so dearly craved during the months of unemployment I experienced post-graduation was in full swing. But somehow, for about 3 weeks there on the back end of January extending into early February, I found myself extremely depressed. Which that sounds completely ridiculous especially since so much was going right for me at the time, thus I will try to explain what I was feeling and the lies that I began believing.

The first lie I found myself believing around mid January, was that with life going so well, I didn’t need my relationship with Christ. I’m reminded of Proverbs 30 verses 8 and 9, “Remove far from me falsehood and lying; give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, lest I be full and deny you and say, “Who is the Lord?” Or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God.” I was full on life and did indeed deny him saying, “Who is the Lord?” I became lax with getting in the word on a daily basis, stopped going to church for a few weeks, and had convinced myself all this success was of my own doing and so I didn’t need the gospel. Like clockwork, old sins immediately began to pop up their little head. And once they reappeared, instead of repenting and grasping onto the grace of forgiveness that Christ has given, I spiraled down into the depths of self-pity and despair, diving into said sins even more. This had affected almost every area in my life; I was complaining about and over-analyzing relationships, I became impatient and unloving at my jobs, and most importantly I was drifting farther and farther away from the Lord. It wasn’t until the middle of February or so that Christ pulled me out of that spiral, choosing to do so through a very encouraging phone conversation with a friend where he reminded me of the constant need we have for the Gospel, especially when life is going well and the blessings are tangible.

Let me give you some context to explain the second and third lies I was believing at the time. On one of the many late nights during this period, which were caused by the depression and anxiety, I sent this text to one of my best friends (at 3:24 in the morning on Wednesday February 5th to be exact): “I can't figure out if I'm more miserable when I don't have anything happening in my life or when it's all happening but leading to nowhere.” There they are, the next two lies I found myself believing. The first of the two that’s not quite so obvious was that circumstances determined my state of being. I was finding my identity in the busyness and it was proving itself void. This is the exact opposite of what Paul is getting at in Philippians 4. Verses 11-13 read like this, “11Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Part of what Paul is saying here is that because he has Christ and finds his identity in Him, he can be content in any situation that life brings. Again, I was doing the opposite, I had found my identity in something other than Christ, i.e. the circumstances surrounding my life, and thus I was not content.

The third lie I believed comes at the end of the text, “or when it’s all happening but leading to nowhere.” What’s funny about this one is just a little over a month before I myself had written this sentence, “It doesn’t matter if 2014 will be the hardest and most difficult year of your life or the easiest and most exciting, because if you love God, it will be for your good, according to His purpose, for your sanctification, and He is going to finish what He started (Romans 8:28, Ephesians 1:11, 1st Thessalonians 4:3, Philippians 1:6).” So objectively, I knew the idea that my days weren’t going anywhere to be untrue, but clearly I believed it nonetheless. The truth of the matter is this, every single moment of life is important. God is constantly at work even when we can’t see it, every single day of life, in and through every single circumstance to make us look more like His Son. Why else would Paul exhort us to redeem the time? One of the books I read recently answers that question. “Paul says, 'Because the days are evil.' You live in a war zone. You get out of bed every morning and there is a battle raging for your soul, your life, your friendships, and your marriage. You can't afford to waste these moments. The war is won in the little skirmishes that take place throughout your life. 'Wake Up!' Paul says. 'You are at war.' (Relationships: A Mess Worth Making)"

So that was my past two months, things started out high only for God to bring me down low to make me more like His Son and restore me once again. As a friend said, I’ve been building a life and a community, while at the same time going through the inevitable parts/feelings of life and learning to work through them in a manner that reflects eternity and our Savior. Thank you again for reading, and hopefully my next post is not 2 months away!