An Update on Life

One year ago today I was in sunny Southern California, finishing up what was an incredible experience at The Master’s College. There I made some of the best of friends, many of which I am still in contact with today, and there I learned much about My God and His Gospel, about the world around me, and about myself. Even with the financial burden it has caused on me, and the regrets I have about my time there, there’s really not much I would change. And that’s because, like every season of life, college didn’t quite go the way I had planned, but God’s plan was far better than anything I could have imagined.

Some of you know that the first month or so right after graduation I found myself in the lowest of pits (physically, emotionally and spiritually). Over time God brought me out of that using things like Soaring Over Seven, Church, friends, and eventually finding employment that I love. But once I had a job, social life, and church, and was a couple of months into that, I was once again in a rut (you can check out my old posts if you want to learn more of these events). And in a very really way, I had to relearn the truth that Christ is the only constant through the cycle of highs and lows that we call life.

So that brings me to today, just about a year out of school (the official marker is May 10^th), which is crazy to think about. I’m 6 months into my job at Jill’s House and I’ve begun picking up weekday hours, which is an exciting development as my goal is to get on full time in the next 6 months, but currently I still split my time working a second job at a construction company doing office work and data entry. I still live at home, and that’s ok. I’ll probably be here a few years as I look to take control of my student loans, and as much as I would love to move out, it’s the smart thing to do right now. Also I’m realizing that there’s quite a bit of maturing I need to do before I’d be ready to live on my own, and while I readily acknowledge that type of growth is something that could take place by diving in, it’s also something I can go about here as long as I’m intentional in seeking it. My social life is pretty spread out, as there are a ton of relationships I have been able to invest in, which suits me just fine as my favorite thing in the world is to love on and connect with people (hence why I love my job at Jill’s House so much), be it my awesome coworkers, church families, high school friends still in the area, family in general, or other amazing people that God has brought into my life through various events. Part of me wishes I could bring these 4 or so worlds closer together, but it is what is right now and maybe over time that could change. I still read quite a bit, I’m at 8 books so far in 2014, and am currently reading two more, one on introversion called Quiet (by Susan Cain), and the other is a book on God’s word and what it says about itself called Taking God at His Word, written by Kevin DeYoung.

Anyways the point of all of that was to get to what God has been doing in my heart and mind over the past year, there are two major things. The first is that I’m starting to learn that even post college, life still happens at an incredible rate. Ya maybe some things are fewer and farther between (like hanging out with or catching up with friends), but there have been just as many ‘big’ moments in my life as there were in college. God is using this time of my life to shape me in the same exact way as He used college. The events may be different, but the purpose is the same, to further grow me into the image of Christ. Every single time I sat down to write a blog in this past year, I always had the same reaction. I would think to myself, you know, a lot actually has happened (for you see I thought the opposite was going to be true).  Maybe the things that took place were far more intangible than it was in college, but my heart and mind were certainly shaped. The sinfulness and weight of sin in my life has become more real to me than it ever has been, but so has the power of Christ.

The second is this: whenever I find myself down, I’ve learned that most of the time it’s a conflict between my idea of what my life is supposed to look like and what God’s plan for my life at the time is. Which I know for a fact God’s plan is better; I just stated that in my opening paragraph! It’s also a reflection of my sinfulness, again in a prideful way I let myself wallow in self-pity instead of allowing the Gospel of Christ to shape my thoughts. As that is the constant struggle: allowing and praying for these realities to shape my daily life. For as my Pastor said this past Easter Sunday when he opened up his sermon, “If Christ is resurrected, then everything is changed.” The gospel affects every single area and moment of our lives, and through the means of grace that Christ provides (His word and His church) we have all we need to live that out.

But that’s enough ranting for now, as I just wanted to both process and let you guys know about all that’s been going on in my life! I know some of this blog was a little scatter brained, so I’m sorry if it was a little difficult to get through, but I just wanted to get it down while I had the time. Anyways, thanks for reading as always, and I hope this can be an encouragement to you wherever you find yourself in life!

How long will I be held captive by the lies that I believe?

It has been quite awhile since the last time I posted in my blog, a lot has happened in that time and so I want to sit down and reflect over the past 2 months.

2014 could not have started any more perfectly than it did; I had 2 jobs, a newfound social life, and church life was at a high. Basically the busyness I so dearly craved during the months of unemployment I experienced post-graduation was in full swing. But somehow, for about 3 weeks there on the back end of January extending into early February, I found myself extremely depressed. Which that sounds completely ridiculous especially since so much was going right for me at the time, thus I will try to explain what I was feeling and the lies that I began believing.

The first lie I found myself believing around mid January, was that with life going so well, I didn’t need my relationship with Christ. I’m reminded of Proverbs 30 verses 8 and 9, “Remove far from me falsehood and lying; give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, lest I be full and deny you and say, “Who is the Lord?” Or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God.” I was full on life and did indeed deny him saying, “Who is the Lord?” I became lax with getting in the word on a daily basis, stopped going to church for a few weeks, and had convinced myself all this success was of my own doing and so I didn’t need the gospel. Like clockwork, old sins immediately began to pop up their little head. And once they reappeared, instead of repenting and grasping onto the grace of forgiveness that Christ has given, I spiraled down into the depths of self-pity and despair, diving into said sins even more. This had affected almost every area in my life; I was complaining about and over-analyzing relationships, I became impatient and unloving at my jobs, and most importantly I was drifting farther and farther away from the Lord. It wasn’t until the middle of February or so that Christ pulled me out of that spiral, choosing to do so through a very encouraging phone conversation with a friend where he reminded me of the constant need we have for the Gospel, especially when life is going well and the blessings are tangible.

Let me give you some context to explain the second and third lies I was believing at the time. On one of the many late nights during this period, which were caused by the depression and anxiety, I sent this text to one of my best friends (at 3:24 in the morning on Wednesday February 5th to be exact): “I can't figure out if I'm more miserable when I don't have anything happening in my life or when it's all happening but leading to nowhere.” There they are, the next two lies I found myself believing. The first of the two that’s not quite so obvious was that circumstances determined my state of being. I was finding my identity in the busyness and it was proving itself void. This is the exact opposite of what Paul is getting at in Philippians 4. Verses 11-13 read like this, “11Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Part of what Paul is saying here is that because he has Christ and finds his identity in Him, he can be content in any situation that life brings. Again, I was doing the opposite, I had found my identity in something other than Christ, i.e. the circumstances surrounding my life, and thus I was not content.

The third lie I believed comes at the end of the text, “or when it’s all happening but leading to nowhere.” What’s funny about this one is just a little over a month before I myself had written this sentence, “It doesn’t matter if 2014 will be the hardest and most difficult year of your life or the easiest and most exciting, because if you love God, it will be for your good, according to His purpose, for your sanctification, and He is going to finish what He started (Romans 8:28, Ephesians 1:11, 1st Thessalonians 4:3, Philippians 1:6).” So objectively, I knew the idea that my days weren’t going anywhere to be untrue, but clearly I believed it nonetheless. The truth of the matter is this, every single moment of life is important. God is constantly at work even when we can’t see it, every single day of life, in and through every single circumstance to make us look more like His Son. Why else would Paul exhort us to redeem the time? One of the books I read recently answers that question. “Paul says, 'Because the days are evil.' You live in a war zone. You get out of bed every morning and there is a battle raging for your soul, your life, your friendships, and your marriage. You can't afford to waste these moments. The war is won in the little skirmishes that take place throughout your life. 'Wake Up!' Paul says. 'You are at war.' (Relationships: A Mess Worth Making)"

So that was my past two months, things started out high only for God to bring me down low to make me more like His Son and restore me once again. As a friend said, I’ve been building a life and a community, while at the same time going through the inevitable parts/feelings of life and learning to work through them in a manner that reflects eternity and our Savior. Thank you again for reading, and hopefully my next post is not 2 months away!

A brief reflection of 2013.

It’s always fun to sit down and take some time and reflect on the past year of your life, seeing where God has brought you has an awesome way of getting you excited about where He’s going to take you next. It doesn’t matter if 2013 was the hardest and most difficult year of your life or the easiest and most exciting, because if you love God, it was for your good, according to His purpose, for your sanctification, and He is going to finish what He started (Romans 8:28, Ephesians 1:11, 1st Thessalonians 4:3, Philippians 1:6).

A very easy way for me to reflect on 2013 is to take the goals I (more expansively) set out for the year in a blog back in January and see how they played out. This past year I only laid out five, and I’ll be tackling them in reverse order. 

5. Make some sort of consistent habit of exercising and eating just a little bit healthier.

This one was a roller coaster ride of a goal. Some months I was working out 5 times a week, eating extremely healthy and had reached a fairly healthy weight, others I was drinking 3 sodas a day, didn’t even know what a vegetable was, and got a little chunky. The funny thing is I was pretty content in both directions of life. Overall I would say I probably failed at this one. 

4. To read 25 books. 

This one I am so excited to be able to say I nailed! I actually was able to finish 32 books this year, 11 of which were rereads. 

1-4 The entire Lord of the Rings Series including The Hobbit, J.R.R. Tolkien (The Hobbit was a reread)

5-9 The first five books of The Lost Years of Merlin series - T.A. Barron (The first 2 were rereads)
10-16 All seven Harry Potter Books - J.K. Rowling (All rereads)
17. A Severe Mercy - Sheldon Vanueken
18. The Mortification of Sin – John Owen
19. Holiness – J.C Ryle (Reread)
20. Doing Things Right in the Matters of the Heart – John Ensor
21. Passion and Purity – Elizabeth Elliot
22. Sex, Dating, and Relationships – Gerald Heistand and Jay Thomas
23. What He Must Be (if he wants to marry my daughter) - Voddie Baucham
24. Leading With Love – Alexander Strauch
25. In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day – Mark Batterson
26. Every Good Endeavour: Connecting Your Work to God’s Work – Timothy Keller
27. So Good They Can’t Ignore You: Why Skills Trump Passion in the Quest for Work You Love
28. Christians Get Depressed Too – David Murray
29. Finally Free: Fighting For Purity with the Power of Grace – Health Lambert
30. Crazy Busy – Kevin Deyoung
31. The Book Thief – Markus Zusak
32. Walking with God through Pain and Suffering – Timothy Keller

3. Lord willing, by years end to find a job, ANY job. I don’t care if it’s at a fast food place while I look elsewhere, just something to start working and paying off loans.

Looking back I can’t help but laugh and smile at this goal I set up for myself. If you had told me I’d be where I am now back in January I would have said you were crazy. God is just so good. Not only did God provide a job, He provided two! The first one (though the second one I got) is being an office lackey for a construction company here in Manassas. I do data entry, filing and the like. While not the most exciting position, I do actually enjoy it for 2 reasons. The first is I got it through a guy at my church and by working for him it has provided for multiple conversations with him and thus the ability to get to know a man I normally wouldn’t have even bothered talking to. Secondly, most of the time, I get to listen to my iPod for hours on end each day, and being the music fan that I am, it’s a perfect situation.

The second position I have is being a Child Care Specialist at Jill’s House, a respite center for children with special needs. And this is literally the best job ever. It only took 2 summers for me to completely fall in love with the idea of working with children with special needs and now I’m (for at least a time) doing it for a living! In college people would ask me what I wanted to do and I would always respond ‘I have no idea but all I know is I’d like to be able to love God and love people.’ What’s really awesome is that loving God and loving people is the very reason of Jill’s House existence. We get to love God by loving on a demographic that is very often neglected and viewed by much of the world as less than human. 

Not only do I love what I do, but I love the people I work with too. Seriously the staff at Jill’s House is just incredible. There are so many great examples (young and old!) of Godly living that it’s almost impossible not to grow if you’re even paying the slightest bit of attention. So while this job is certainly the most spiritually, mentally, and physically exhausting job I have ever worked, there’s not one thing I’d rather exhaust myself for. 

2. To graduate from The Master’s college, and make the most of my final semester.

So much has happened in the 2nd half of 2013 I almost forgot that this was the year I graduated from college! I cannot believe it has been over 6 months since that part of my life came to a close. While I’m not sure I can say I made the most of my final semester, I do know it was one the most complete semesters I ever had, at least relationally. It was one of the only semesters that my heart came out in one peace, and I did not waste time irrationally chasing girls for the sake of a relationship. And while one of the most important DTR’s I have ever had did occur during that semester, it was the first time I went about it the right way, stating intentions and not being completely devastated when it didn’t turn out the way I had hoped. I also was able to further develop the friendships I wanted and really invest in the guys God placed around me, which turned out to be such a blessing. God really did use those 3 years at Master’s to grow and develop me as a man, and some of that developing came out in my final semester. 

1. To fall more and more in love with my savior Jesus Christ and as J.C Ryle puts it, to grow in grace.

From my final semester of college, an awesome summer at Soaring Over Seven, my wonderful church home, the reaction I had when my dad had a brief scare and was taken the hospital, to the two jobs and amazing friends He has provided, 2013 was one of the first years where it was really evident for me to see the hand of God in my life. How can I look back on all that has come to pass this year and not be even more convinced of these two facts of life: The God of the Bible is real and His Word is true. 

Looking back and seeing what Christ has done in my life and the lives of those around me this year makes me so excited about all that is going to happen in 2014. Maybe this will be the year I meet my wife, maybe it will the year I move out of my parent’s house and get an apartment, maybe I can get on full time at Jill’s House, or maybe this will be the hardest year I will ever go through and my faith will be shaken. Who knows what is going to happen, but to repeat myself from the start of this blog and add a present tense to it: It doesn’t matter if 2014 will be the hardest and most difficult year of your life or the easiest and most exciting, because if you love God, it will be for your good, according to His purpose, for your sanctification, and He is going to finish what He started (Romans 8:28, Ephesians 1:11, 1st Thessalonians 4:3, Philippians 1:6). 

Happy New Years and once again thanks for taking the time to read!

Today was a very long day indeed.

It was just about a week and a half ago that I finished reading Tim Keller’s Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering. Today God put my new found understanding of suffering to the test and brought on somewhat of a scare.

It started out as a normal Sunday morning, I woke later than planned but was able to make my way to church just fine. In the middle of service, just after receiving communion, I received a text message. Normally I wouldn’t check my phone but it caught me off guard buzzing on the open seat next to me because there’s typically no service in the school building we hold our service at and normally I wouldn’t even receive said text in the first place until I was heading out to my car. I notice it’s from my mom, go ahead and open it and it reads, “Looks like I’m taking Dad to the hospital. Will call you later.” Now I think the average person’s response (and probably the right one) if they were in the same situation, would be to quietly get up out of their seat and make their way outside to try and find out more. I mean the service was almost over anyways, there was only a short time of prayer and a few more hymns left. But something told me to stay, and I immediately thought to myself, you know, there is no better time to receive news like this than when you’re in the midst of worshiping the one true God. So I stayed seated, tried my best to orient my heart and mind towards heaven and finished out the service. I even stayed after the service to help pack up the church (like I said we meet in the basement of a school and were packing up earlier than normal as due to inclement weather we weren’t going to have Sunday school). While interacting with those around me I answered the typical question of how are you with ‘doing well’, even when my mind was scattered and elsewhere. 

When I finally made my way out of the building, I contacted my mom to try and find out what was going on. I learned that earlier in the morning, my father had began complaining of a tightness of chest, a sudden sore throat and others around him had noticed his skin was becoming very pale. With all of that, the decision was made to dial 911 and get him to a hospital as soon as possible. At that point I asked if she wanted me to come to be with them, but because they had not received any results from the tests that had been done and the inclement weather, my mom commanded that I go home instead. In immediate outburst, I cried out “My dad’s in the hospital and you’re telling me to go home?” After I hung up the phone, I sat in the car unsure of what to do. I then asked myself, I wonder what’s more honoring to my parents, to listen and obey my mother’s request and go home, or act in defiance and come to the aid of my father going through this trial. 

By God’s grace, in attempt to respect my mother’s wishes, I chose the former and made my way home. As I pulled up to the house, I sat there debating my decision for a good five minutes. It was then that this song came up on my Ipod. The tears came streaming down. Regardless of what was happening, if my Dad were going to enter into glory or recover just fine, God was right there with both of us, and His love would not fail either way. I finally had the strength to get out of the car and begin the waiting game. 

I spent the next two hours anxiously sitting on the couch letting my mind wander to extremes calling my mom every half an hour looking for any information I could. And when that amounted to nothing, I finally accepted my fate and began to calm myself down. I then used the time to do my daily devotions, seeking the Lord through His word and bringing my heart before Him in prayer, and now I find myself writing this blog. 

During my devotion time I was reminded of who God is, His purposes, the brevity of life, the fact that He is our refuge and strength, and that He will be with us through it all. We never know when God is going to call us home, but we do know that in the little time He has given us we are called to spend it for His glory. We also know that suffering is a normal part of this life because of the sinful state of this world, but the fact of the matter is that God uses it according to His purposes and for the good of those who love Him. In the ultimate act of suffering, Jesus Christ came down from heaven and died on the cross, taking the punishment for our sin and experiencing separation from the Father. All of this was done so that through His resurrection we can now die to ourselves and find new life in Him. 

Currently my Dad is spending the night at a Kaiser Permanente getting some blood tests done and will have more done later tonight so the doctors will be able to compare the results. Tomorrow he will see a cardiologist and also undergo a stress test, which will most likely lead to some lifestyle changes. But as of right now, no one is under the impression it is immediately life threatening, so praise God for that. 

Thankfully this time around it was just a scare. Although with that being said, just hours after all of this has occurred, I can already see how God is using this in my own personal walk with Him and I hope that it can be an encouragement to yours as well. Also, I am thankful for and encouraged by all of you who have been praying for my family on this hectic day, it is truly a wonderful blessing to see and know that so many people are supporting us. And as always, thanks for reading!

So who is marriage for anyway?

If you’ve been anywhere around facebook lately, you’ve run into some form of the infamous ‘Marriage Isn’t For You’ article, either the article itself, or the various responses, one depicting an abusive relationship taking the articles policies to the extreme, and most recently one arguing that marriage is ultimately for God. And while in the long run, I would tend to agree with the last article, I would like to propose something: maybe, just maybe, marriage is multifaceted. Maybe marriage is for you, your spouse, others (something that hasn’t been brought up), AND God, all at the same time.

So let’s begin with the idea that marriage can be and actually is for you. This is something I think both the original and response article get wrong. There are at least two ways it’s for you, marriage is something for you to enjoy and it’s for your sanctification. Proverbs 5:18-19 states “Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” While in context, these verses are about avoiding the seductive adulteress painted in the first half of chapter five and turning to your wife instead, they make a very important point, your spouse and therefore marriage is something for you to rejoice in and be intoxicated by. Next, marriage is also for your sanctification. A great article about that, which discusses this aspect in the context of staggering divorce rates and marrying the ‘wrong’ person, can be read here. Ultimately we know that the will of God for our lives is our sanctification (1st Thessalonians 4:3). Well, if getting married is a part of your life, then it’s part of your sanctification. Marriage brings out both the best and worst of each person that takes part in it, and it is the worst in us that God often uses marriage to exploit and then begin to cleanse. In Genesis God stated that “it is not good that man should be alone, I will make him a helper fit for him” (emphasis mine), God presented Adam with a wife for his sake! 

But this verse also gets us to the second point that marriage is also for your spouse. Relationships are a two way street, and in the same way that marriage is something for you to enjoy and for your sanctification, it’s also for your spouse to enjoy and be sanctified through. Marriage requires you in the most intense way to love another as you love yourself, and count that person more important than yourself. In marriage we are presenting ourselves as a gift to be given to and enjoyed by the other. As the original article in question so keenly points out, Sin (the article uses selfishness) contorts our thinking to ask the question “What can I get from this person?” but love asks, “What can I give?” On the other hand, like the response stating marriage is about God points out, “Marriage is not only about making your spouse happy, it’s about making them holy.” This is how it’s for their sanctification as well. Not only does marriage exploit our own sins, but it exploits theirs as well, and we need to lovingly point them out and point them to Christ. 

Third, marriage is for others. Let us not forget that one of the major purposes of marriage is to be fruitful and multiply, aka, have children. So in one sense marriage is for them, but let’s look at another aspect. At the end of Ephesians 5, which lays out how wives and husbands should interact and how they ultimately become one flesh, Paul says something astounding, “This mystery is profound and I am saying it refers to Christ and the Church.” A godly marriage is ultimately a picture of Christ and His Church, and it is a picture that is meant to be seen by others. When the wife lovingly submits and respects the husband, and the husband sacrificially loves his wife as himself, nourishing and cherishing her, together they not only set an example for other couples, but they will ultimately point others to Christ (the final point), even single people. A godly marriage is a shadow of how Christ loves His people, and it is a shadow through which His love can be seen and experienced. 

And finally, marriage is ultimately for God. Not only is marriage a picture that points to Christ and His Church as I pointed out above, but like the response article points out, it is also for His glory. In fact, all of life is ultimately for the glory of God, and it is something we as Christians should strive to live for. “So whether you eat or drink, whatever you do, do all for the glory of God. 1st Corinthians 10:31” I’m fairly certain that ‘whatever you do’ includes getting married. 

In a brief and very incomplete way, I hope I was able to show that marriage is not so easy to pin down. The Christian can gladly affirm an article saying it’s for your spouse, because it is! But not only for your spouse, it is for yourself, others, and ultimately God. And as always, thanks for reading!

Exciting News!

I am really excited to announce to the world that I have finally come to find some employment! I will be working as a part time Child Care Specialist at a place called Jill's House, which is a respite center for children with special needs tied very close with Mclean Bible Church. The position of Child Care Specialist is very similar to what I did at the camp I worked at the past two summers, just way more involved and a lot more paperwork, haha. Ideally this will eventually turn into a full time position, as they have a one year internship program I'm really interested in, but in the mean time I will be seeking out a second part time job, though I am extremely grateful that God has provided this first position. Below you can read an excerpt of an email I sent to Mary who is the director of the camp I worked for and the Child/Youth Services Coordinator of the Tyson's Campus Access ministry. She was the one who hired me two summers ago to work at Soaring Over Seven. This excerpt is basically a brief telling of the story of how God moved in my heart over the past two years towards possibly working in the special needs field and while some of the thoughts are repeated from earlier blogs, it's something I thought worth sharing again.

"A year and a half ago if someone would have told me I was going to be working in a field for children with special needs I would have said they were crazy. And if I'm honest with myself, I only applied for and took the job at S.O.S. that first summer because I desperately needed a summer job and was willing to do just about anything. But that summer completely changed my world. It opened my eyes to a demographic that desperately needs the love of Christ but is often passed over and dismissed. And it also provided me with a new perspective to the Gospel of Christ, as the love we were able to show these kids, who more often than not can't show love in return, at least in a way we would recognize, is very much like the love Christ has shown those He called to be His. And then on top of that, even after a rough and tiring day, no matter if a child yelled at, hit or bit you, to be forced to come back the next day and love them all the same as if none of that ever happened, was yet another picture of God's love for us. Not only were we incapable of loving Him before He called us, but He continues to love us the same even on the days where we run away from and rebel against Him in our sin.

So after the summer of 2012, I knew I just had to come back the next year. I even told my parents the second I got home from school that I wasn't even going to think about finding a full time job until I got to do S.O.S again. For the first time in my life, I had found something that I was excited to get up and exhaust myself for. Being a Group Coordinator this time around definitely had its fair share of challenges, and at times I definitely felt spread thin, as instead of pouring myself into one child, it was now 15. But thanks be to God He provided the grace to make it through and definitely reinforced those lessons I had learned from the first summer. On top of that though, He also did something I was not expecting at all this summer. He used camp to provide me with a wonderful group of friends through my coworkers, right after I had just said goodbye to a good amount of friends as I left school and was unsure what friendships would look like for me now that I was back home. 

All in all, God used Soaring Over Seven and the last three months of serving at breakout/breakaway to really open up my heart for those with special needs, and also my heart for the lost, as those who are not in Christ have a far greater spiritual need than any physical need in this world. These past two summers He really began to imprint the idea that maybe this was a field of work I would like to go into. And with this opportunity I have at Jill's House, I now have the ability to take steps in that direction!"

Thank you all who have been praying for me in my search for employment, it has been a long and slow process over the past 3 months, but God definitely had His purpose for it all. Please continue to be praying that I find a second part time job and if it is His will, that down the road this opportunity will possibly turn into a full time one.

Oh hey, I'm 23.

Unemployed, single, and living with my parents… not quite where I thought I was going to be at this point in my life. Especially when I look around and see a good number of friends, the same age as me, married/in a serious relationship, or at the very least working a full time job and living on their own (and sometimes grad school is thrown on top of one or all of the previously listed states). It’s very easy to see those people and then become discouraged by the circumstances I find myself in.

But thanks be to God that I can rest in the fact that God has me exactly where I am supposed to be. The second half of Psalm 139:16 says “in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. (ESV)” Every moment of my life has been directed by Him and they are all according to His will, for my good, and for the purpose of sanctification (Ephesians 1:11, Romans 8:28, 1st Thessalonians 4:3). Let me reiterate: every trial, every triumph, every failure, every single thing that happens, is according to will of God, for our good, and for our sanctification. God has also promised to provide all that we need telling us not to be anxious about those things, and so a job (and maybe a wife?) will come in His perfect timing.

That being said, a good portion of why I am in the state I am, is due to my own sinfulness. I mean a good reason as to why the job hunt has been going so poorly is because I have been extremely lazy when it comes to the search. The acts of even filling out applications, formatting my resume, working on cover letters, or even sending out emails to express interest/ask for help/advice have been mental battles that I’ve far too often lost. Part of it is that I have no idea what field of work I’d like to go into and so I tell myself that I’ll attack the market once I figure that out, but if I’m honest with myself, the truth is I’ve been scared, pessimistic, and altogether selfish. Scared that I’ll step into the wrong job, scared to actually move on from and let go of the college lifestyle, scared to take chances, scared of change. I’ve been pessimistic by getting down on myself when a lead doesn’t come through, and allowing my self to feel down because a lot of my friends are gone for school, or the ones that are here all have jobs so it’s hard to see them all that often. To describe it in one word though, it comes down to the fact that I’ve been selfish. I have chosen more often then not to allow myself to wallow in self-pity, fall into idleness and run to my sin for comfort instead of running to Christ.

Thankfully, these are all things that by the grace of God are correctible, and it starts with preaching the Gospel to myself daily. I need to remind myself of the truths I spoke about in my second paragraph. I need to remind myself that I am a sinner who by the grace of God, has been purchased by the blood of Christ. On top of that He has also provided multiple means of grace that allow me to draw near to Him, and through the Holy Spirit He helps me to do so! And finally, I need to remind myself of the support that God has given me in my friends, family, and church. There are whole waves of people praying for me and to know that is so encouraging to my heart, especially when I let it dwell on that fact.

God has given me 23 wonderful years of life, and as I begin to look more at Him and less at myself, I cannot wait to see where He brings me in the 24th. As always, thanks for reading, and as I share about my life I hope and pray it is an encouragement to yours!