It has been quite awhile since the last time I posted in my blog, a lot has happened in that time and so I want to sit down and reflect over the past 2 months.
2014 could not have started any more perfectly than it did; I had 2 jobs, a newfound social life, and church life was at a high. Basically the busyness I so dearly craved during the months of unemployment I experienced post-graduation was in full swing. But somehow, for about 3 weeks there on the back end of January extending into early February, I found myself extremely depressed. Which that sounds completely ridiculous especially since so much was going right for me at the time, thus I will try to explain what I was feeling and the lies that I began believing.
The first lie I found myself believing around mid January, was that with life going so well, I didn’t need my relationship with Christ. I’m reminded of Proverbs 30 verses 8 and 9, “Remove far from me falsehood and lying; give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, lest I be full and deny you and say, “Who is the Lord?” Or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God.” I was full on life and did indeed deny him saying, “Who is the Lord?” I became lax with getting in the word on a daily basis, stopped going to church for a few weeks, and had convinced myself all this success was of my own doing and so I didn’t need the gospel. Like clockwork, old sins immediately began to pop up their little head. And once they reappeared, instead of repenting and grasping onto the grace of forgiveness that Christ has given, I spiraled down into the depths of self-pity and despair, diving into said sins even more. This had affected almost every area in my life; I was complaining about and over-analyzing relationships, I became impatient and unloving at my jobs, and most importantly I was drifting farther and farther away from the Lord. It wasn’t until the middle of February or so that Christ pulled me out of that spiral, choosing to do so through a very encouraging phone conversation with a friend where he reminded me of the constant need we have for the Gospel, especially when life is going well and the blessings are tangible.
Let me give you some context to explain the second and third lies I was believing at the time. On one of the many late nights during this period, which were caused by the depression and anxiety, I sent this text to one of my best friends (at 3:24 in the morning on Wednesday February 5th to be exact): “I can't figure out if I'm more miserable when I don't have anything happening in my life or when it's all happening but leading to nowhere.” There they are, the next two lies I found myself believing. The first of the two that’s not quite so obvious was that circumstances determined my state of being. I was finding my identity in the busyness and it was proving itself void. This is the exact opposite of what Paul is getting at in Philippians 4. Verses 11-13 read like this, “11Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Part of what Paul is saying here is that because he has Christ and finds his identity in Him, he can be content in any situation that life brings. Again, I was doing the opposite, I had found my identity in something other than Christ, i.e. the circumstances surrounding my life, and thus I was not content.
The third lie I believed comes at the end of the text, “or when it’s all happening but leading to nowhere.” What’s funny about this one is just a little over a month before I myself had written this sentence, “It doesn’t matter if 2014 will be the hardest and most difficult year of your life or the easiest and most exciting, because if you love God, it will be for your good, according to His purpose, for your sanctification, and He is going to finish what He started (Romans 8:28, Ephesians 1:11, 1st Thessalonians 4:3, Philippians 1:6).” So objectively, I knew the idea that my days weren’t going anywhere to be untrue, but clearly I believed it nonetheless. The truth of the matter is this, every single moment of life is important. God is constantly at work even when we can’t see it, every single day of life, in and through every single circumstance to make us look more like His Son. Why else would Paul exhort us to redeem the time? One of the books I read recently answers that question. “Paul says, 'Because the days are evil.' You live in a war zone. You get out of bed every morning and there is a battle raging for your soul, your life, your friendships, and your marriage. You can't afford to waste these moments. The war is won in the little skirmishes that take place throughout your life. 'Wake Up!' Paul says. 'You are at war.' (Relationships: A Mess Worth Making)"
So that was my past two months, things started out high only for God to bring me down low to make me more like His Son and restore me once again. As a friend said, I’ve been building a life and a community, while at the same time going through the inevitable parts/feelings of life and learning to work through them in a manner that reflects eternity and our Savior. Thank you again for reading, and hopefully my next post is not 2 months away!
