A brief reflection of 2013.

It’s always fun to sit down and take some time and reflect on the past year of your life, seeing where God has brought you has an awesome way of getting you excited about where He’s going to take you next. It doesn’t matter if 2013 was the hardest and most difficult year of your life or the easiest and most exciting, because if you love God, it was for your good, according to His purpose, for your sanctification, and He is going to finish what He started (Romans 8:28, Ephesians 1:11, 1st Thessalonians 4:3, Philippians 1:6).

A very easy way for me to reflect on 2013 is to take the goals I (more expansively) set out for the year in a blog back in January and see how they played out. This past year I only laid out five, and I’ll be tackling them in reverse order. 

5. Make some sort of consistent habit of exercising and eating just a little bit healthier.

This one was a roller coaster ride of a goal. Some months I was working out 5 times a week, eating extremely healthy and had reached a fairly healthy weight, others I was drinking 3 sodas a day, didn’t even know what a vegetable was, and got a little chunky. The funny thing is I was pretty content in both directions of life. Overall I would say I probably failed at this one. 

4. To read 25 books. 

This one I am so excited to be able to say I nailed! I actually was able to finish 32 books this year, 11 of which were rereads. 

1-4 The entire Lord of the Rings Series including The Hobbit, J.R.R. Tolkien (The Hobbit was a reread)

5-9 The first five books of The Lost Years of Merlin series - T.A. Barron (The first 2 were rereads)
10-16 All seven Harry Potter Books - J.K. Rowling (All rereads)
17. A Severe Mercy - Sheldon Vanueken
18. The Mortification of Sin – John Owen
19. Holiness – J.C Ryle (Reread)
20. Doing Things Right in the Matters of the Heart – John Ensor
21. Passion and Purity – Elizabeth Elliot
22. Sex, Dating, and Relationships – Gerald Heistand and Jay Thomas
23. What He Must Be (if he wants to marry my daughter) - Voddie Baucham
24. Leading With Love – Alexander Strauch
25. In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day – Mark Batterson
26. Every Good Endeavour: Connecting Your Work to God’s Work – Timothy Keller
27. So Good They Can’t Ignore You: Why Skills Trump Passion in the Quest for Work You Love
28. Christians Get Depressed Too – David Murray
29. Finally Free: Fighting For Purity with the Power of Grace – Health Lambert
30. Crazy Busy – Kevin Deyoung
31. The Book Thief – Markus Zusak
32. Walking with God through Pain and Suffering – Timothy Keller

3. Lord willing, by years end to find a job, ANY job. I don’t care if it’s at a fast food place while I look elsewhere, just something to start working and paying off loans.

Looking back I can’t help but laugh and smile at this goal I set up for myself. If you had told me I’d be where I am now back in January I would have said you were crazy. God is just so good. Not only did God provide a job, He provided two! The first one (though the second one I got) is being an office lackey for a construction company here in Manassas. I do data entry, filing and the like. While not the most exciting position, I do actually enjoy it for 2 reasons. The first is I got it through a guy at my church and by working for him it has provided for multiple conversations with him and thus the ability to get to know a man I normally wouldn’t have even bothered talking to. Secondly, most of the time, I get to listen to my iPod for hours on end each day, and being the music fan that I am, it’s a perfect situation.

The second position I have is being a Child Care Specialist at Jill’s House, a respite center for children with special needs. And this is literally the best job ever. It only took 2 summers for me to completely fall in love with the idea of working with children with special needs and now I’m (for at least a time) doing it for a living! In college people would ask me what I wanted to do and I would always respond ‘I have no idea but all I know is I’d like to be able to love God and love people.’ What’s really awesome is that loving God and loving people is the very reason of Jill’s House existence. We get to love God by loving on a demographic that is very often neglected and viewed by much of the world as less than human. 

Not only do I love what I do, but I love the people I work with too. Seriously the staff at Jill’s House is just incredible. There are so many great examples (young and old!) of Godly living that it’s almost impossible not to grow if you’re even paying the slightest bit of attention. So while this job is certainly the most spiritually, mentally, and physically exhausting job I have ever worked, there’s not one thing I’d rather exhaust myself for. 

2. To graduate from The Master’s college, and make the most of my final semester.

So much has happened in the 2nd half of 2013 I almost forgot that this was the year I graduated from college! I cannot believe it has been over 6 months since that part of my life came to a close. While I’m not sure I can say I made the most of my final semester, I do know it was one the most complete semesters I ever had, at least relationally. It was one of the only semesters that my heart came out in one peace, and I did not waste time irrationally chasing girls for the sake of a relationship. And while one of the most important DTR’s I have ever had did occur during that semester, it was the first time I went about it the right way, stating intentions and not being completely devastated when it didn’t turn out the way I had hoped. I also was able to further develop the friendships I wanted and really invest in the guys God placed around me, which turned out to be such a blessing. God really did use those 3 years at Master’s to grow and develop me as a man, and some of that developing came out in my final semester. 

1. To fall more and more in love with my savior Jesus Christ and as J.C Ryle puts it, to grow in grace.

From my final semester of college, an awesome summer at Soaring Over Seven, my wonderful church home, the reaction I had when my dad had a brief scare and was taken the hospital, to the two jobs and amazing friends He has provided, 2013 was one of the first years where it was really evident for me to see the hand of God in my life. How can I look back on all that has come to pass this year and not be even more convinced of these two facts of life: The God of the Bible is real and His Word is true. 

Looking back and seeing what Christ has done in my life and the lives of those around me this year makes me so excited about all that is going to happen in 2014. Maybe this will be the year I meet my wife, maybe it will the year I move out of my parent’s house and get an apartment, maybe I can get on full time at Jill’s House, or maybe this will be the hardest year I will ever go through and my faith will be shaken. Who knows what is going to happen, but to repeat myself from the start of this blog and add a present tense to it: It doesn’t matter if 2014 will be the hardest and most difficult year of your life or the easiest and most exciting, because if you love God, it will be for your good, according to His purpose, for your sanctification, and He is going to finish what He started (Romans 8:28, Ephesians 1:11, 1st Thessalonians 4:3, Philippians 1:6). 

Happy New Years and once again thanks for taking the time to read!

Today was a very long day indeed.

It was just about a week and a half ago that I finished reading Tim Keller’s Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering. Today God put my new found understanding of suffering to the test and brought on somewhat of a scare.

It started out as a normal Sunday morning, I woke later than planned but was able to make my way to church just fine. In the middle of service, just after receiving communion, I received a text message. Normally I wouldn’t check my phone but it caught me off guard buzzing on the open seat next to me because there’s typically no service in the school building we hold our service at and normally I wouldn’t even receive said text in the first place until I was heading out to my car. I notice it’s from my mom, go ahead and open it and it reads, “Looks like I’m taking Dad to the hospital. Will call you later.” Now I think the average person’s response (and probably the right one) if they were in the same situation, would be to quietly get up out of their seat and make their way outside to try and find out more. I mean the service was almost over anyways, there was only a short time of prayer and a few more hymns left. But something told me to stay, and I immediately thought to myself, you know, there is no better time to receive news like this than when you’re in the midst of worshiping the one true God. So I stayed seated, tried my best to orient my heart and mind towards heaven and finished out the service. I even stayed after the service to help pack up the church (like I said we meet in the basement of a school and were packing up earlier than normal as due to inclement weather we weren’t going to have Sunday school). While interacting with those around me I answered the typical question of how are you with ‘doing well’, even when my mind was scattered and elsewhere. 

When I finally made my way out of the building, I contacted my mom to try and find out what was going on. I learned that earlier in the morning, my father had began complaining of a tightness of chest, a sudden sore throat and others around him had noticed his skin was becoming very pale. With all of that, the decision was made to dial 911 and get him to a hospital as soon as possible. At that point I asked if she wanted me to come to be with them, but because they had not received any results from the tests that had been done and the inclement weather, my mom commanded that I go home instead. In immediate outburst, I cried out “My dad’s in the hospital and you’re telling me to go home?” After I hung up the phone, I sat in the car unsure of what to do. I then asked myself, I wonder what’s more honoring to my parents, to listen and obey my mother’s request and go home, or act in defiance and come to the aid of my father going through this trial. 

By God’s grace, in attempt to respect my mother’s wishes, I chose the former and made my way home. As I pulled up to the house, I sat there debating my decision for a good five minutes. It was then that this song came up on my Ipod. The tears came streaming down. Regardless of what was happening, if my Dad were going to enter into glory or recover just fine, God was right there with both of us, and His love would not fail either way. I finally had the strength to get out of the car and begin the waiting game. 

I spent the next two hours anxiously sitting on the couch letting my mind wander to extremes calling my mom every half an hour looking for any information I could. And when that amounted to nothing, I finally accepted my fate and began to calm myself down. I then used the time to do my daily devotions, seeking the Lord through His word and bringing my heart before Him in prayer, and now I find myself writing this blog. 

During my devotion time I was reminded of who God is, His purposes, the brevity of life, the fact that He is our refuge and strength, and that He will be with us through it all. We never know when God is going to call us home, but we do know that in the little time He has given us we are called to spend it for His glory. We also know that suffering is a normal part of this life because of the sinful state of this world, but the fact of the matter is that God uses it according to His purposes and for the good of those who love Him. In the ultimate act of suffering, Jesus Christ came down from heaven and died on the cross, taking the punishment for our sin and experiencing separation from the Father. All of this was done so that through His resurrection we can now die to ourselves and find new life in Him. 

Currently my Dad is spending the night at a Kaiser Permanente getting some blood tests done and will have more done later tonight so the doctors will be able to compare the results. Tomorrow he will see a cardiologist and also undergo a stress test, which will most likely lead to some lifestyle changes. But as of right now, no one is under the impression it is immediately life threatening, so praise God for that. 

Thankfully this time around it was just a scare. Although with that being said, just hours after all of this has occurred, I can already see how God is using this in my own personal walk with Him and I hope that it can be an encouragement to yours as well. Also, I am thankful for and encouraged by all of you who have been praying for my family on this hectic day, it is truly a wonderful blessing to see and know that so many people are supporting us. And as always, thanks for reading!

So who is marriage for anyway?

If you’ve been anywhere around facebook lately, you’ve run into some form of the infamous ‘Marriage Isn’t For You’ article, either the article itself, or the various responses, one depicting an abusive relationship taking the articles policies to the extreme, and most recently one arguing that marriage is ultimately for God. And while in the long run, I would tend to agree with the last article, I would like to propose something: maybe, just maybe, marriage is multifaceted. Maybe marriage is for you, your spouse, others (something that hasn’t been brought up), AND God, all at the same time.

So let’s begin with the idea that marriage can be and actually is for you. This is something I think both the original and response article get wrong. There are at least two ways it’s for you, marriage is something for you to enjoy and it’s for your sanctification. Proverbs 5:18-19 states “Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” While in context, these verses are about avoiding the seductive adulteress painted in the first half of chapter five and turning to your wife instead, they make a very important point, your spouse and therefore marriage is something for you to rejoice in and be intoxicated by. Next, marriage is also for your sanctification. A great article about that, which discusses this aspect in the context of staggering divorce rates and marrying the ‘wrong’ person, can be read here. Ultimately we know that the will of God for our lives is our sanctification (1st Thessalonians 4:3). Well, if getting married is a part of your life, then it’s part of your sanctification. Marriage brings out both the best and worst of each person that takes part in it, and it is the worst in us that God often uses marriage to exploit and then begin to cleanse. In Genesis God stated that “it is not good that man should be alone, I will make him a helper fit for him” (emphasis mine), God presented Adam with a wife for his sake! 

But this verse also gets us to the second point that marriage is also for your spouse. Relationships are a two way street, and in the same way that marriage is something for you to enjoy and for your sanctification, it’s also for your spouse to enjoy and be sanctified through. Marriage requires you in the most intense way to love another as you love yourself, and count that person more important than yourself. In marriage we are presenting ourselves as a gift to be given to and enjoyed by the other. As the original article in question so keenly points out, Sin (the article uses selfishness) contorts our thinking to ask the question “What can I get from this person?” but love asks, “What can I give?” On the other hand, like the response stating marriage is about God points out, “Marriage is not only about making your spouse happy, it’s about making them holy.” This is how it’s for their sanctification as well. Not only does marriage exploit our own sins, but it exploits theirs as well, and we need to lovingly point them out and point them to Christ. 

Third, marriage is for others. Let us not forget that one of the major purposes of marriage is to be fruitful and multiply, aka, have children. So in one sense marriage is for them, but let’s look at another aspect. At the end of Ephesians 5, which lays out how wives and husbands should interact and how they ultimately become one flesh, Paul says something astounding, “This mystery is profound and I am saying it refers to Christ and the Church.” A godly marriage is ultimately a picture of Christ and His Church, and it is a picture that is meant to be seen by others. When the wife lovingly submits and respects the husband, and the husband sacrificially loves his wife as himself, nourishing and cherishing her, together they not only set an example for other couples, but they will ultimately point others to Christ (the final point), even single people. A godly marriage is a shadow of how Christ loves His people, and it is a shadow through which His love can be seen and experienced. 

And finally, marriage is ultimately for God. Not only is marriage a picture that points to Christ and His Church as I pointed out above, but like the response article points out, it is also for His glory. In fact, all of life is ultimately for the glory of God, and it is something we as Christians should strive to live for. “So whether you eat or drink, whatever you do, do all for the glory of God. 1st Corinthians 10:31” I’m fairly certain that ‘whatever you do’ includes getting married. 

In a brief and very incomplete way, I hope I was able to show that marriage is not so easy to pin down. The Christian can gladly affirm an article saying it’s for your spouse, because it is! But not only for your spouse, it is for yourself, others, and ultimately God. And as always, thanks for reading!

Exciting News!

I am really excited to announce to the world that I have finally come to find some employment! I will be working as a part time Child Care Specialist at a place called Jill's House, which is a respite center for children with special needs tied very close with Mclean Bible Church. The position of Child Care Specialist is very similar to what I did at the camp I worked at the past two summers, just way more involved and a lot more paperwork, haha. Ideally this will eventually turn into a full time position, as they have a one year internship program I'm really interested in, but in the mean time I will be seeking out a second part time job, though I am extremely grateful that God has provided this first position. Below you can read an excerpt of an email I sent to Mary who is the director of the camp I worked for and the Child/Youth Services Coordinator of the Tyson's Campus Access ministry. She was the one who hired me two summers ago to work at Soaring Over Seven. This excerpt is basically a brief telling of the story of how God moved in my heart over the past two years towards possibly working in the special needs field and while some of the thoughts are repeated from earlier blogs, it's something I thought worth sharing again.

"A year and a half ago if someone would have told me I was going to be working in a field for children with special needs I would have said they were crazy. And if I'm honest with myself, I only applied for and took the job at S.O.S. that first summer because I desperately needed a summer job and was willing to do just about anything. But that summer completely changed my world. It opened my eyes to a demographic that desperately needs the love of Christ but is often passed over and dismissed. And it also provided me with a new perspective to the Gospel of Christ, as the love we were able to show these kids, who more often than not can't show love in return, at least in a way we would recognize, is very much like the love Christ has shown those He called to be His. And then on top of that, even after a rough and tiring day, no matter if a child yelled at, hit or bit you, to be forced to come back the next day and love them all the same as if none of that ever happened, was yet another picture of God's love for us. Not only were we incapable of loving Him before He called us, but He continues to love us the same even on the days where we run away from and rebel against Him in our sin.

So after the summer of 2012, I knew I just had to come back the next year. I even told my parents the second I got home from school that I wasn't even going to think about finding a full time job until I got to do S.O.S again. For the first time in my life, I had found something that I was excited to get up and exhaust myself for. Being a Group Coordinator this time around definitely had its fair share of challenges, and at times I definitely felt spread thin, as instead of pouring myself into one child, it was now 15. But thanks be to God He provided the grace to make it through and definitely reinforced those lessons I had learned from the first summer. On top of that though, He also did something I was not expecting at all this summer. He used camp to provide me with a wonderful group of friends through my coworkers, right after I had just said goodbye to a good amount of friends as I left school and was unsure what friendships would look like for me now that I was back home. 

All in all, God used Soaring Over Seven and the last three months of serving at breakout/breakaway to really open up my heart for those with special needs, and also my heart for the lost, as those who are not in Christ have a far greater spiritual need than any physical need in this world. These past two summers He really began to imprint the idea that maybe this was a field of work I would like to go into. And with this opportunity I have at Jill's House, I now have the ability to take steps in that direction!"

Thank you all who have been praying for me in my search for employment, it has been a long and slow process over the past 3 months, but God definitely had His purpose for it all. Please continue to be praying that I find a second part time job and if it is His will, that down the road this opportunity will possibly turn into a full time one.

Oh hey, I'm 23.

Unemployed, single, and living with my parents… not quite where I thought I was going to be at this point in my life. Especially when I look around and see a good number of friends, the same age as me, married/in a serious relationship, or at the very least working a full time job and living on their own (and sometimes grad school is thrown on top of one or all of the previously listed states). It’s very easy to see those people and then become discouraged by the circumstances I find myself in.

But thanks be to God that I can rest in the fact that God has me exactly where I am supposed to be. The second half of Psalm 139:16 says “in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. (ESV)” Every moment of my life has been directed by Him and they are all according to His will, for my good, and for the purpose of sanctification (Ephesians 1:11, Romans 8:28, 1st Thessalonians 4:3). Let me reiterate: every trial, every triumph, every failure, every single thing that happens, is according to will of God, for our good, and for our sanctification. God has also promised to provide all that we need telling us not to be anxious about those things, and so a job (and maybe a wife?) will come in His perfect timing.

That being said, a good portion of why I am in the state I am, is due to my own sinfulness. I mean a good reason as to why the job hunt has been going so poorly is because I have been extremely lazy when it comes to the search. The acts of even filling out applications, formatting my resume, working on cover letters, or even sending out emails to express interest/ask for help/advice have been mental battles that I’ve far too often lost. Part of it is that I have no idea what field of work I’d like to go into and so I tell myself that I’ll attack the market once I figure that out, but if I’m honest with myself, the truth is I’ve been scared, pessimistic, and altogether selfish. Scared that I’ll step into the wrong job, scared to actually move on from and let go of the college lifestyle, scared to take chances, scared of change. I’ve been pessimistic by getting down on myself when a lead doesn’t come through, and allowing my self to feel down because a lot of my friends are gone for school, or the ones that are here all have jobs so it’s hard to see them all that often. To describe it in one word though, it comes down to the fact that I’ve been selfish. I have chosen more often then not to allow myself to wallow in self-pity, fall into idleness and run to my sin for comfort instead of running to Christ.

Thankfully, these are all things that by the grace of God are correctible, and it starts with preaching the Gospel to myself daily. I need to remind myself of the truths I spoke about in my second paragraph. I need to remind myself that I am a sinner who by the grace of God, has been purchased by the blood of Christ. On top of that He has also provided multiple means of grace that allow me to draw near to Him, and through the Holy Spirit He helps me to do so! And finally, I need to remind myself of the support that God has given me in my friends, family, and church. There are whole waves of people praying for me and to know that is so encouraging to my heart, especially when I let it dwell on that fact.

God has given me 23 wonderful years of life, and as I begin to look more at Him and less at myself, I cannot wait to see where He brings me in the 24th. As always, thanks for reading, and as I share about my life I hope and pray it is an encouragement to yours!

Aiming for Thankfulness

Well, this is a little bit of a weird week in my life. Right now as I type, we are right in the middle of “Week of Welcome” back at Master’s and last week was the Servant Leadership Staff retreat. This is also the last week at home for a good number of my friends that are in the area as they prepare to head off to their respective schools. While I do have a handful of friends still here, I recently watched one of my better ones drop all he had to go and serve in Malawi for a year as a math teacher at a Christian school there. With all of that going on, some of which I was a part of just a year ago, it has been a little rough as I sit here in the midst of the ever-depressing post-grad job search. But instead of this being a “Woe is me, I don’t have a job and most of my friends have left me, what am I to do” post that I could easily turn this into, I am going to take the time and list out some of the things that I can thank my God for. The major reason I am writing this is to attempt and change my mindset about the circumstances around me, as I know my tendency is to become far too depressed when life isn’t exactly going my way. My hope and prayer is to point my heart and mind upwards to the things of Christ, and maybe encourage others as we continue on with this thing called life reminding them that even if all hell is breaking loose (which it’s not for me don’t worry), there is still so much to be thankful for.

First off, I am thankful to have a God that is faithful and one in whom I can rest and cast all of my anxiety on. I don’t have to worry about the future because the future is His. Everything that He has ordained to occur in this transitional phase (and all of life for that matter) is for my good, and for the business of making me more like His son. A job will come in His perfect timing, He knows what I need and right now, that’s not it.

Second, I am thankful for my church at Holy Trinity. It is such a wonderful family to be a part of. Every week I am challenged/encouraged by the incredible preaching of the word and the corporate prayer, and most weeks get to experience the wonderful blessing of Holy Communion. On Sunday nights the young adult ministry is yet another blessing in my life, especially because there are so many “older” adults who come with their families just to spend time with and invest in us.

Third, I’m thankful for the three years I got to spend at Master’s. It was a wonderful time of preparation where I was stretched and challenged in many ways. I now can look back on my time there and smile. Because of that time my walk with the Lord grew in ways I didn’t know possible, and the friendships I gained there are invaluable. And while it is sad that I’m not on my way back out there, I know God used that time to prepare me for whatever He has in store for me here and now. So instead of longing for the past, I am craving for God to use those experiences to shape my future.

Fourth, I’m thankful for Soaring Over Seven/Friendship Club. Not only was it such a blessing to work with and love on these kids with special needs again, but also God used the experience to provide me with some awesome friends, which was a big scare for me going into post graduate life. Like seriously, I now know some of the coolest people ever, and many of them have been great encouragement to my soul as I make this transition and look for a job. I am also excited that because of being back in town, I now have the ability to serve at Access’s respite events, which are basically small versions of camp on Friday nights/Saturday mornings. A side blessing of doing that is it serves as something that gets me out of the house.

Fifth, I’m thankful for my awesome parents. They have been very understanding of this transitional phase, and are a wonderful source of encouragement and love as I look for a job. They have done a wonderful job at balancing between pressuring me to look for a job and giving me the space I need to come to conclusions myself, while at the same time being there if I have any questions or concerns.

This post could go on for pages, as there is an endless amount of things I can thank my God for, but I’ll go ahead and stop there. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and I hope this was as much an encouragement to you who read as it was to my heart while I wrote it all out. I’ll leave you with a quote that has been challenging me lately and definitely relates to the post. 

"Maybe we should stop asking God to get us out of difficult circumstances and start asking Him what He wants us to get out of those difficult circumstances." Mark Batterson. 

Soaring Over Seven Summer Camp: Week 2

Day Five, 7/8/13:

Having the weekend to get away and do something different for a few days was much needed rest to the soul. I was able to get some much needed sleep, reflect some on my first week of camp, read a good amount, help a friend move, spend some extra time in the word and prayer, get replenished through the faithful preaching of The Word and the taking of Holy Communion at church, go on a fun date with my lovely mother, and continue digging into 1st Peter with my young adult bible study. As the weariness of the first week of camp began to melt away, the excitement in my heart rose as week two came to a start.

To be honest I was a little nervous about today as both of the rooms I was over seeing were getting a new camper who had been out all of last week, and a new camper meant new dynamics. But it didn’t for one-second faze our awesome team of counselors. They came in raring to go and ready to take on any new challenges thrown their way and it was encouraging to see. 

In the morning I was able to honor one of my counselors in front of everyone with what I titled the “calm cool and collected award.” This counselor has been such an encouragement to me, either as he patiently deals with a child, or quietly informs me of a situation that occurred, nothing seems to catch him off guard. It’s cool to see because he is not that outspoken of a person, he more leads behind the scenes and by example, which is a humble reminder that leadership is not simply the guy giving orders in front of everyone. 

This first day of a new week was a fantastic one. There was only one accident report reported between the 2 classrooms and it came in the last 20 minutes of the day. But way more awesome and important than that, my campers really seemed to be having fun. So many highlights occurred today, though there were two really big ones. One of them came during art, when a typical sibling who had finished his craft early went over to the corner of the room and joined with another camper who was playing a game. There were multiple instances of campers hanging out with and engaging with one another today and it really was so cool to see and really made my heart warm. The 2nd was being able to share with the parent of a more incident prone child that they had an absolutely wonderful day and nothing occurred, not only in a he didn’t do anything wrong kind of way, but also in a he had fun at the same time kind of way! This camper loves sidewalk chalk to the point where he spent the entire first half of the day out there and drew one of the coolest murals I have ever seen. 

I am so thankful this first day to the new week went so well, the Lord is definitely using it to fill my heart with joy and excitement and the preparation to face any challenges that occur. And don’t get me wrong, today did have it’s share of challenges, from a melt down or two, a lack of volunteers, a volunteer not fully engaging their camper, crazy events in the bathroom, etc etc, but it was seeing the joy on the campers faces that made them seem few and far between even though they actually occurred fairly often. So even on the days that make camp worthwhile, there is space to grow and crisis to step through, and it is only because the Lord brought me here again this summer that I have a chance to do so. 

Day Six, 7/9/13:

Once again, it was an amazing encouragement to see so many people come in early and pray over the camp, and it was especially nice to see that there were more guys than just myself this time around. Praying for others is yet another way to love them and I think they’re far more effective than we will ever really understand, and so to have the opportunity to do so with a group of people that have a similar heart for the camp is such a blessing. 

The day itself was pretty awesome as well. My counselors are getting in a really sweet rhythm all around, both in learning how to engage specific campers, and learning how to handle different situations. We also had a wonderful supply of volunteers, which really makes my job easier, since because of that we have the manpower to take various kids to different locations if needed and quickly avoid any oncoming crisis. Bowling went ten times smoother than I had imagined, and more importantly, the kids seemed to enjoy it for the most part.

Seeing these kids laugh and smile is just so, so great. It’s also extremely interesting figuring out what makes these kids tick. For example one child could talk your ear off about ceiling fans, while there’s another one who always has a different bionicle each day and is always building with legos either something for that bionicle to fight or to hide in. But two feet away from them is a child who could spend hours outside drawing with sidewalk chalk, and another one who will ride in the wagon until your arms fall off. By God’s grace I am definitely learning to love these kids for who they are and embrace the qualities that make them all so wonderful and unique.

Day Seven, 7/10/13, written about on 7/11/13

Day seven very quickly became one of the longer ones as almost every single camper from my room had a behavior outburst before the day ended, mostly in the afternoon. This led to many stressful and trying situations and by the time the day finally came to an end I was just grateful to make it through. On site days are already fairly tough, but especially in a classroom where the afternoon field trip is something that a good number of my kids use as a motivator and it is therefore “earned.”

The funny thing is the first half of the day made it seem like the whole thing was going to be amazing. For the first time in a seriously significant manner, the campers seemed to engage with each other, and not just the typical siblings. During our sports day, we had 3on3 soccer going where three typical siblings, 2 special needs kids and a volunteer all played together. At lunch much of the same occurred as we had a huge game of monkey in the middle taking place. Those two moments were definitely some of the more precious moments I have seen at camp this summer, and easily put the hectic moments that were about to come into perspective.

One of the major lessons I learned Wednesday was the importance of the camper to counselor/volunteer relationship. It is not enough to simply take any counselor/volunteer and put them together with a camper to achieve the highly coveted 1 to 1 ratio. You really do need to consider the personalities of said people, and when things are not meshing well, be prepared to make a switch. Just around lunchtime one of my campers began to express unhappiness about their buddy and instead of pulling the trigger and making a switch I talked to camper into giving their buddy another chance (to which he replied (and I wrongly ignored) “I’ve been giving them chances all day!”) and finish the day with them. This mistake led to some serious agitation by said camper and fueled one of the more major outbursts of the day, to the point where I had to call in a director and the camper had to be picked up there by his mother instead of in the class room. 

Day Eight, 7/11/13:

As today ended and we were walking back to the afternoon meeting my assistant coordinator looked over at me and said “It is days like this one that make camp worth it.” Today was yet another great day, even though we had fear of it being difficult because of the fact that it was our second day in a row on site. And it all began when we made a few changes to the pairings between counselor/volunteer and campers. With the typical siblings out having their very own special “sibs day” between the two rooms we only had 11 kids (there was also one other camper out for the day) and this made things a lot easier to manage. It also gave us coordinators the ability to be extremely flexible in our room choices, while trying to follow the schedule if campers were unhappy with anything there was enough space in the other rooms to take them elsewhere instead of being forced to try and negotiate with them.

Campers that had behavior outbursts yesterday in certain areas today made amazing progress and through some tough love were able to make some fantastic decisions and move on with the day. I even had a camper that because he and his buddy got along so well and had an awesome day playing together, that at the loss of a favorite toy, which any other day so far this camp would of turned into a major melt down moment, instead of that happening he calmly notified me asking us to look around for it. Though we have yet to find said toy, and I am sure some disappointment has been experienced, I really felt like this was a very big personal victory for the camper.

I think it is so crazy to see God work through us to make an impact on these children, and though some people of the world would see what we’re doing here at S.O.S as a waste of time, I really do find it to be a joy and a privilege to show up each day and watch God work. And not only is He using the staff and volunteers here to have an impact on these kids and their families, but He is working just as much in our own hearts through the impact that these kids are making on us. I know for a fact that everyone involved with Soaring Over Seven this summer will come out of it a different person, either more in love with their Lord and Savior or for those who aren’t Christian even beginning to open up to the truth because of the experiences they had this summer, or on the opposite side more hardened in the heart because instead of seeing the difficulties as a chance for growth, they complained the whole time and barely scathed by.


Day Nine: 7/12/13

It was so cool to see how much my campers enjoyed carnival day! From the big slide, to face painting, cosmic bowling, and the huge maze, almost every room seemed to be a hit, even one of the rooms that had the exact same design that it normally does but this time with a second moon bounce. The big maze room and cosmic bowling set up led to some particularly fun moments with the campers as in the background techno music was blasting to go with the dark rooms and light show. When it comes to my favorite moment of the day that came when I saw a community volunteer in my room, who started out the day not really interacting with her camper and just kind of walking along side him, playing chase with said camper and both laughing and smiling. It brings so much joy to life to see someone who maybe has never interacted with a child with special needs before really begin to enter that child’s world and have an impact. As a coordinator it’s a little bit of our job to try and facilitate that through things like the buddy pairings, laying out expectations of our volunteers, or encouraging them throughout the day, and so when you witness it happen, it’s just so awesome.

One of my favorite things about camp beyond the impact that through God’s grace we have on campers or campers have on us, which is an amazing thing in and of itself, is the friendships that are built by the coworkers. The bonds that we share in our love for Christ, our love for these kids, and the service of His church really do serve as an awesome catalyst into some pretty sweet and meaningful relationships. Over the last three weeks (one week of training and two weeks of camp) I have had an opportunity to begin to get to know some really awesome people, my co-coordinators across the hall, my assistant coordinator, our classroom counselors, and all those who come out and play basketball in the afternoons after camp to name a few, and I really do hope and pray that some of these friendships last past camp just as a handful did from last summer. 

Overall I would say this second week went extremely well, even with three consecutive on campus days. I would also say it would be hard to even begin to compare this week with the first, as both provided their own set of challenges and excitements. So much of this camp happens in compartments, from week to week, day to day, even station to station during each day, as each moment provides an opportunity to rely on God for the strength to make it through, to rely on God for the grace to forgive and move on, and to rely on God for the love of Christ to show these kids. You really do have to learn to take life a moment at a time, resting in the peace of Christ as He has already laid out the path that we will take during this camp. And though we fail often to fully put our trust in Him, that admittance of failure is yet another opportunity to turn to and experience His grace.

Soaring Over Seven Summer Camp: Week 1

If you don’t know what I’m doing this summer before I go off and find a “real” job, I am working at a summer camp for children with special needs run through Mclean Bible Church. Last summer I had one of the most impactful experiences I had ever gone through in my life, learning what it meant to truly love someone unconditionally as I was paired up with an extremely awesome child as a senior counselor. This summer, I am back at it again, this time in the position of Group Coordinator, meaning I am overseeing an entire classroom of kids who are paired up with a counselor/volunteer. And here are my thoughts about my first week.

Day One, 7/1/13:

What a change it is to go from being a counselor last summer, to now being a group coordinator. Going from attending the needs of one to attending to the needs of the many has already proved to have its challenges. The responsibility is far greater, and while it’s something I’ve been excited about stepping into, I don’t think I am anywhere near as prepared as I thought I was. Situation after situation just seemed to just keep on coming in, so much so that once the day was over I was so worn out I forgot the face of a parent and had to ask who they were there to pick up. What I had to do last year was step into the world of one child, do all I could to make these 4 weeks the best they could be for him, and if something came up, go to my coordinator. And now I’m the one that those people are coming to.

Thankfully, I am not alone. For one, the counselors all know the coordinators job can be stressful at times, and they are there doing their best to enter the world of their one buddy, giving them a worthwhile experience at camp, all the while trying to prevent as many situations as they can. Second, there is a great deal of love and support that comes from my fellow coordinators. Third, there are the directors of the camp, who have many times stated that if I need anything, I can easily go to one of them and ask for help. But most importantly, I have my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The love that Christ has shown me is far greater than any love that I can show these kids, but at the same time He is the reason why I can begin to. My young adult bible study has been going through 1st Peter, and I have been reading it often. Chapter 1 verses 22-23 states, "Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God." It is because of Christ that I can truly love someone at all, and it is because of Christ that after a long hard day that I can get up tomorrow and do it again. Not only is the love of Christ so powerful that when it penetrates our hearts it overflows into our love for others, but in chapter 5 of 1st Peter, we also learn that God cares for us so much he wants us to hand over to Him all of our anxiety. “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” God knows exactly where He has placed me this summer, and He will provide the grace and strength to make it through. I know I will be challenged, stretched, and worn out at times, but I also know that Christ will be with me every step of the way, and so I cannot wait to see what He has in store for these next 19 days of camp. 

Day Two, 7/2/13: 

I don’t know what changed, but today was amazing. There were 10+ incident/accident reports filled out between the assistant coordinator and I yesterday; today we had to fill out 0. 

This summer, I have the opportunity to lead the prayer group that meets once a week before camp gets started and today was our first meeting. It was so cool and encouraging to see so many people get to work early to pray for the camp. We were able to take some time and lift up the coordinators, counselors, volunteers, campers and almost every aspect of camp to the Lord before all the craziness began and I really think it set the tone for the day.

Within the two rooms the counselors came back with smiles on their faces ready to roll, and through the many lessons learned on day 1 were far more prepared to handle situations that occurred. Now that they are getting to know the campers a little more day by day, both the counselors and volunteers are beginning to enter into these children’s worlds, and it is really sweet to see. I can only hope it continues all the more as the camp goes on.

Day Three, 7/3/13, written about on 7/6/13 :

Wednesday turned out to be another hectic day, from a series of accidents/incidents, a stressful trip to Chuck-E-Cheese, to all of my parents ready and waiting for their children as we returned slightly late (because of all that happened) from the field trip, which you can imagine how hard it is to explain certain incidents of the day to one parent about their child in such a way that they don’t piece together that it happened between their child and the child of the parent that I just explained a similar sounding story to since they were all in earshot. That morning though before all of the craziness occurred, I received a gift card to Starbucks as a reward for being someone that was always excited and ready to be at camp, which was humbling because in my heart and mind, as I don’t always feel ready.

That day, I began to realize that the hardest thing for me so far about this camp, is having to explain any accidents or incidents that occurred to the parents, especially ones dealing with a behavior that is frowned upon. For one thing, it is hard to explain the report in a positive light, on one hand I would like to truthfully represent what occurred, but on the other I want to remind the parent that while yes, this mishap did happen, it was 30 seconds of a 5 hour day where your child had a wonderful time doing x y and z, and that we really are working on things. And for another, it is extremely heart breaking to tell a parent of something that happened and have them respond in disbelief because they have specifically been working on that behavior for a year straight. Though a cool thing that happened over the weekend is that a friend also working at the camp reached out to me and shared is the fact that we as coordinators have to stress the positivity of it all, always being excited to see that camper the next day and desire to work on things, no matter what occurred the last, and also somehow remind the parents that sometimes what works at home or school will not work at camp. 

Day Four, 7/5/13: written about on 7/8/13

It was nice to have the 4th off, I was able to spend the night of the 3rd at a friend’s house whom I hadn’t seen in awhile and the 4th was spent with my brother and his family. As for the 4th day of camp, overall it was a very testing day, I came in ready to go and extremely excited to be there, but by the end of the day I was completely gone. By the time I got home I really had to check my heart and ask myself why I was there, and that’s because I found myself very distant that day at camp. Filling out yet another accident/incident report form became a numbing experience after doing so many and instead of being something I saw as something we needed to work on in order to prevent in the future, I came to expect them. Also I was not the most gracious with the parents when explaining to them their child’s day.

That being said, it was crazy to see how fast the first week of camp went, especially when each individual day seems so long. And let me tell you, it can be exhausting on so many levels, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Physically, I’m hanging out with kids all day, running around, playing, walking, etc. Emotionally, I’m all over the place and sometimes in a matter of minutes, you can go from feeling extreme joy because of seeing a camper do something that makes you laugh and smile seeing them enjoy camp to immediate frustration because 10 seconds later you get a report of another accident/incident. Spiritually, how much of the fruit of the spirit I have in the tank is being tested severely, and if I wasn’t daily taking time in the morning to be in The Word, and go to The Lord through prayer, I can most definitely say I would have ran out of strength days ago and this would have been be an extremely long and unfulfilling camp. So overall the first week was a good one, The Lord gave me many opportunities to take steps towards growth and I can’t wait to see where the rest of camp takes me.

What is this I don't even

It doesn’t even feel like the same summer anymore. In just two and a half weeks, life has really begun to pick up, and it has been fantastic! This past week was training for the Soaring Over Seven summer camp for children special needs, and I can’t wait for it to actually start on Monday! While some moments were boring and seemed to drag on, it was nice to get to know my coworkers before things got started, we learned quite a bit about handling various situations we may encounter, be it with a camper, counselor, or volunteer, and on a side note it was also nice to get on a fairly healthy schedule. My coworkers seem great and I hope many friendships can be formed this year just like last.

As for my schedule, I’ve been going to bed between 9:30 and 10:00, waking up between 5:30 and 6:00. This first week has been tough in terms of the schedule, as my circadian rhythm needed a huge reset (your internal biological clock), but as the days went by things have begun to get easier, to the point that today I woke up at 6 as well. I’ve been consistently getting to work about an hour early, and that has provided a great opportunity to do my devotions for the day, which on top of learning about my Lord and Savior, it has helped prepare my mind and heart for the day, which is something I know I will need greatly come the actual camp. Depending on what I am doing that evening, I have either been going straight home from camp where I have read/worked out till it was time to go to bed, or headed to Starbucks and read until the event for the evening, such as Wednesday night church, or Tuesday night was the birthday party of a dear friend of mine. Even though it has only been a week, having this schedule, I can honestly say I just feel better, through the grace of God my outlook on life has become more positive, and I have felt a lot more driven to make something of my time.  I hope and pray this can continue as after the camp, for my full time job becomes looking for a full time job, and while I still am unsure of what I’d like to do, through my time in the scriptures and prayer, God has been showing me His faithfulness and I am far less anxious than earlier this summer, knowing that He will provide one all in His perfect timing, and will place me where I need to be. Granted that does not mean I don’t have to be faithful in looking, in fact I would argue it’s the opposite, even more so I need to search diligently, realizing that in the end it’s all in His hands and everything will be ok.

In terms of the scriptures, I’ve mainly been in Proverbs and 1st Peter. Continuing my normal schedule of a proverb a day based on the date, and then my young adult bible study on Sunday nights has begun 1st peter, so I’ve been trying to read the whole book once or twice through each day for the month we’re studying it. Two major things have stood out so far as I’ve been reading through the book. The first is the reason we love others is because Jesus Christ has saved us. Chapter 1:22-25 states “Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God; for “All flesh is like grass and all its glory like the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the word of the Lord remains forever.” And this word is the good news that was preached to you.” This idea presents itself elsewhere in scripture as well, 1st John 4:19 tells us that we love because He first loved us. The second thing that stands out is the fact that Peter tells them to submit to and honor their authorities, and strive through the persecution they are receiving as it’s actually a blessing (if they’re doing good) and that in the end they will receive Christ! It stands out because in 21st century America we as Christians sometimes complain greatly about the political party in office, but we must remember, Obama is no Nero! Obama is not out burning Christians and openly allowing their persecution. Even as religion is becoming more private and in our culture continually being pushed out of the public sphere, we can still worship God freely. Persecution is probably on it’s way as we see our society moving further and further away from God, and we must be ready for it, but for now we still have a great blessing to worship as we do, and must use that to stand out to world as followers of Christ even more.

For pleasure I’ve been slowly making my way through Lord of the Rings, I am now about halfway through The Two Towers, such an amazingly written and captivating story. I’ve also been reading Leading with Love by Alexander Strauch. Using 1st Corinthians 13 as his basis, Strauch goes through what love looks like and how that should be played out in a leadership position. This book has been a great reminder and picture of loving leadership as I am in a position of authority at the camp, having an assistant coordinator, two senior counselors, 4 counselors and any volunteers to oversee, as well as look after the kids! It’s been convicting in areas I have failed at many times before, and encouraging as it constantly reminds me to go to Christ and seek His and the Holy Spirit’s help!

Well that’s all I have for you today, as always thank you so much for reading! Please be praying that God will provide the grace, wisdom, and patience that will be needed to make it through each day at camp, and that He will use this month to stretch and challenge me greatly, forcing me to depend on Him even more. If there is anything I can be praying for you about feel free to send me a message and let me know!

One. Day. At. A. Time.

Well, it’s been just about a week since I expressed (in a painfully honest manner) the lackluster experience of my first month of post grad life. So today, I would like to bring you an update of sorts. First and foremost, let me express the fact that anything “I” have done is because of Christ (and the Holy Spirit, the whole Trinity really). It was the Holy Spirit who opened my eyes to the pit of sin I had fallen in and caused me to cry out to the Father, and Christ who interceded for me making me righteous in the Fathers sight, declaring me forgiven. And second, I would like to say that this is probably going to be a long drawn out process. While His forgiveness is effective immediately, the path of sanctification is a long one. Some days it will feel like I’m sprinting straight into the arms of Christ, taking long strides towards the man of God I seek to be. Others, I’m going to completely fall off the path, run in the wrong direction and seemingly lose all progress, only to be rescued by our gracious Father and placed back on. But most days are going to be slow paced, in a two steps forward one step back with a stumble here and there kind of fashion. Like that of a baby taking his first steps heading towards his father on the other side of the room who is graciously and excitedly calling out to him. Only this baby has his older brother right there beside him, guiding him the whole time, not so close to not let the baby fall, but enough to be right there to pick him up when he does. Though (at risk of mixing the analogies) sometimes that fall really does hurt, and there we are, tangled up in the weeds of life. At that time the father tells the older brother to let us stay there, and so we go on, feeling alone and deserted, crawling inch by inch with blood on our knees crying out, only for our eyes to clear and the storm to pass. It is then we see that we have gone much further than any time before, the ground we're standing on now is ten times more solid than it has ever been, and to our amazement, our brother was still there guiding us as well. Anyways, all of that was to simply say, this is not something that will immediately change, and through the help of the Holy Spirit and Christ, as time goes on I hope to move, slowly as may be, further and further along the path of sanctification each day.

In the days since that post, I have been able to start taking steps in the right direction. Firstly, God has granted me the grace to dive into his word every day since then, where I am making my way through the psalms, reflecting on a chapter of proverbs a day, and reading Paul’s letter to the Colossians each day as well.  Through that, and this is a brief way of putting it, I have been learning all about the majesty of God (the psalms), seeking the way of wisdom (proverbs), seeing all that God has done for us through Christ, the preeminence of Christ, the uselessness of self made religion, and how then we should live in reality of what God has done (Colossians). I have also been able to cut out a good chunk of time for my prayer journaling as well.

Second I have finally been able to dive into some books that I would like to read. I am currently two chapters away from finishing Voddie Baucham’s What He Must Be (if he would like to marry my daughter), where I have been learning all about the godly qualities that I must possess if I would like to be a fit husband one day (which by the way, I am fairly certain extreme laziness is NOT on that list, and is in fact warned against). I am halfway done with The Fellowship of the Ring (which technically means I have finished a book!), and I am making slow but sure process through JMAC’s One Perfect Life, which is more so an act of scholarship tying the story of the 4 gospels together in such a way that tells the complete story of Christ, and thus it is essentially more scripture that I am reading.

Thirdly, I have taken steps towards reorienting my schedule to that of a more normal human being. This process has actually been pretty tough, it has required fighting off desires to take naps in the late afternoon/evening, there have been some extremely late nights where I’ve lied wide awake in my bed, and the will it takes to force myself out of bed at a decent time in the morning (right now I am aiming at 10) is astounding, which sometimes I’ve failed. But hopefully this one will change quickly as training for the summer camp I’m working begins next week, and we need to be there no later than 8am. Just so you know this is the same summer camp I worked last year for children with special needs, but this time around I am going to be a Group Coordinator, meaning I’m overseeing a whole classroom (and technically a second one ran by the assistant group coordinator) instead of being a counselor specifically paired with a child. Though not a full time job this camp is something I loved immensely, and had a strong desire to return to (as a side note, it is yet another item I can put on the resume). 

Finally, I’ve been doing whatever I can to try and get out of the house. Like before, some of that time has been through church (though I missed this past Sunday because of father’s day) and visiting with friends. On top of that, each day I have tried to add a 20-30 minute walk to my schedule, and say yes whenever my parents have asked if I’d like to come along with them (for whatever errand it is). My dad and I were even able to get out and play some golf, which was a wonderful time we got to spend together. Any fresh air I can get has been a great help to the process of renewing my mind and reawakening my heart that began with the first step, God allowing His Scriptures to take hold in my life and using them to further conform me to the image of His son. 

Some things I’d like to add to the process are getting into a serious work out routine and diving into the job search with far a greater diligence than I have shown, but I am extremely thankful for the small steps that God has allowed me to take. Like I said earlier this process will more than likely be a slow one, so if you can continue to be praying for me that would be greatly appreciated, for those prayers are highly coveted and have far more of an effect than we will ever realize. As always, thanks for sticking around and reading all the way through, it means a lot! If you feel so inclined, shoot me a message (any way you see fit) and let me know how I can be praying for you as well!  

To anyone who might possibly care,

I don’t know how to say or admit this, so I am just going to start typing, but this first month of post grad life has not been in any way what I had hoped for. I knew I had wanted to take a few weeks off and put some time between graduating from school and the next phase of life, but that time has not turned out how I planned. I had high aspirations of reading the books I would like to, working out regularly, spending quality time with friends and family, getting involved at church, spending time daily in the word and prayer, writing blogs reflecting over my life sharing what I have been learning, and slowly diving into the job search. While some aspects have happened, such as the fact that I have faithfully been with the church as much as possible, either through Sunday Worship, the young adult bible study, and Wednesday night evening prayer and study, and have had wonderful times with old friends, most areas I have failed at miserably. Other than the one I read on the way home, I have yet to finish a book. I haven’t worked out a single time since being home and so (it’s like magic!)… put on a few pounds. I have written one blog in a month, barely even touched the job search, and most importantly my time in the word has been sporadic at best. Instead my days have mostly been filled with a whole lot of nothing: staying up absurdly late, Netflix, eating, sleeping at the oddest times of day, minimal interaction with people, facebook, surfing the web, longing for my time at TMC, and then some hours I can’t even put a finger on, but they just disappear. Like I said, I have gotten out some for church and friends, but when that’s how the rest of your time has been spent, the positive things feel like they barely happen at all.

Some of you know that I have a tendency to fall into extreme laziness, and that is exactly what has happened. I came home to a bleak looking post-grad life (a good number of my friends that graduated last year seemed discontent with their lives and even with jobs they felt like nothing was happening, a large amount of student debt which has caused me to feel stuck, and zero job prospects) and instead of handing it over to Christ and plugging away in diligence I gave up before it even started. When it comes to my time I know that I am supposed to be “making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. (Ephesians 5:16)” When it comes to every seemingly menial task I am supposed to “work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men. (Colossians 3:23)” Yet in mere days, dreams of making more of this life for His glory turned into self-centered pleasure seeking unabashed slothfulness. I am fully aware of the harm in this and how disgusting it is, but what can I say; I love my sin, and love it dearly.

But there is one thing that deep down I know that I love more, even when the above would lead you to believe differently, and that is Christ. I know that “in him we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28)” and that “from him, and through him and to him are all things. (Romans 11:36)” I know that He has purchased me with His blood, and de facto, my time. I also know that “the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)” And finally I know that “if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us ours sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1^st John 1:9)”

So this is me, confessing my failures and expressing my need for your prayers. I know that Christ can awaken my heart and give me the desire, discipline, and wisdom needed to make more of this life for His glory, and I am crying out to those of you who care (I know you exist though sometimes I let myself believe you don’t) to come along side and pray for that as well. This has been a tough transition period for me, and so I would also ask that you pray that the peace that passes all understanding will take hold in my life as well and also pray for some practical opportunities (specifically a job). Though in the end I simply crave to be completely content in Christ, and live in light of that contentment.

Life goes on, the ending's the starting line.

And just like that… my undergraduate career is suddenly over. I knew the day would come; I spent much of the past 4 months waiting for it. But like most other days and phases, the moment has now come and gone, and yet it somehow still snuck up on me.

If I were to write of all the things that I learned, all the memories I created, and all the friends I made during my time at Master’s, I would be typing for years. So instead I would like to reflect over some highlights and what I will call ‘things I wish I did differently’ about my time at that very special place. Some would call the “things I wish I did differently” regrets, but I firmly believe that it was in a lot of those lows God was teaching me something and drawing me back/closer to Him.

So here we go, and I’m going to start with and will be spending this specific post expressing the things I wish I did differently (mostly focusing on the first one), because well, I’m a bad news first kind of guy. (The highlights will be coming soon I promise!)

1. The very first thing I would tell anyone that I wish I went about differently with my time at Master’s is the amount of time I spent pursuing girls. From the moment I thought of going to Master’s, the idea of potentially meeting a godly Christian girl to be my wife began to take hold. It took hold to such a point where I can easily say it became the clearest idol of my time at Master’s, though that took me almost two and a half years to realize and repent of. This isn’t to say that in those two and a half years I wasn’t pursuing Christ, but my contentment in Him seemed to be found in Christ and relationships, not simply Christ for who He is and what He’s done. 

My first year at school was basically characterized by a quixotic pursuit of girls, asking them out left and right, having more DTRs then I’d like to admit, a lot of inappropriate and misguided emotional attachment, and a lot of unnecessary pain and sadness. Here are a few examples of ridiculous situations I put myself in. For one thing I literally watched a girl develop a close friendship over the back half of the fall semester and through Christmas break with a great friend of mine and decided to take a shot at her before he did… yeah it was that bad. Later that spring semester I spent a month and a half hanging out with a girl that never liked me, taking her on dates, spending hours in the library doing hw with her, and having conversations that we probably shouldn’t have had, all for her to say no to my request to take her to Spring Party and by extension a relationship. And while that had me devastated for quite some time, it didn’t stop me as I slowly figured out two different couples (and great friends) in my life were trying to each set me up with a different girl, and at spring party that year I spent the night hanging out with two really awesome girls, one of them was one of the girls a couple was trying to set me up with, but of course I became attracted to the other. If you know me at all, you know that I wear my heart on my sleeve, sometimes to a fault. And that school year it came to the point that when I came in the room smiling and extremely talkative my roommates would ask me so who is she? Or when I came in the room, put my headphones in, not say a word, and heaven forbid start my homework they’d ask id something happen with a girl that day. My moods were directly related to my current state of affairs with yet another girl in my life. Oh and the worst part of it all is the fact that today at this very moment, I would barely consider myself acquaintances with any of the girls from that first year (well there’s the obvious exception of the girl who eventually began dating one of my best friends). Not only did I put myself in terrible situations, the aftermath was usually just as bad, burning bridges as if those friendships never occurred.

Now the second year, God graciously provided enough sense and wisdom in me to realize that the approach I had been taking was not quite the way to go about it (to put it softly). So I ran to the exact opposite extreme and barely even talked to girls at all. I spent most of that year avoiding almost every brother sister dorm/wing events, or events that girls would be at in general, including Disney Day and Spring Party, and was spending that year building my friendships with the guys instead (half the time I probably was playing video games with them instead of actually conversing if I’m going to be honest). While there was a girl I went to fall thing with and eventually had a DTR in the spring (of whom I can gladly say we have stayed friends, in fact I can easily say she is one of my better friends that are girls now), instead of attempting to approach friendships with girls in a godly manor, I ran away from them altogether, which is just as wrong.

So here we are, my third and final year at Master’s. After spending the summer learning what it meant to love unconditionally, I had by God’s grace resolved to do things differently, but by no means did that mean things went smoothly. In fact, it was that fall semester that I had done something that I would probably consider to be the biggest “regret” of my life so far. Yes, God did teach me a heck of a lot through it and in that sense I am thankful for the experience, but sadly it was at the expense of hurting a dear friend of mine. All I can say is this: NEVER EVER, do things in the name of friendship for the sake of spending time with a girl, especially when she has already stated clearly her concerns and cautions towards the steps you had been taking, only to a few months later state intentions that clearly contradict everything that you had said before and send her into a state of confusion. Clear, open, and honest communication is key to every relationship, ask for clarification if needed and be quick to offer it. For another, always remember that we as Christians are to consider others as more important than ourselves and we guys specifically are called to treat our sisters in Christ in all purity. When I was blinded by the idol of a relationship (AS IF A RELATIONSHIP WITH YET ANOTHER SINFUL PERSON WOULD SOLVE ANYTHING IN AND OF ITSELF), I became selfish in my desires and failed to remember both of those things, and said and did things that failed to take her best interest into account. I am extremely thankful to be able to say that God indeed did work through that, and I was able to have a wonderful experience of reconciliation with this dear friend, and while I hope that friendship will continue into the future, the lessons learned had immediate impact that next semester in a situation I had with another girl. Oh and as a side note, the night before finals week is just about the worst time possible to ask a girl to have a DTR…yeah.

 I guess I am getting into a highlight here, but through that roller coaster of a fall semester and God working on my heart over Christmas break, things have finally started to look differently in my friendships with the opposite sex. Can I just say how freeing it is to have God honoring friendships with a girl, and being able to see them as a sister in Christ way before you ever look at them as a potential wife! While I will definitely still fall short from time to time, I can definitely say that God has begun to completely shift my entire mindset about relationships, and that was shown most immediately in my final semester at Master’s. There was a girl who though part of the early past of failed attempts at a relationship, our friendship by God’s grace continued and grew, and she had always remained on my mind through all the wreckage of the others. Because of the past with her, certain situations this last semester caused another conversation to be had further clarifying where she stood in terms of our relationship, and caused me to come out and express feelings that were still there. Thankfully through the openness of our conversations and her willingness as a sister in Christ to work through things, there was no burning of bridges, scattered ashes, or unnecessarily wounded hearts, and I can gladly say that this girl remains to be one of my better friends and one of all my time favorite people to ever walk the TMC campus. She is one of the wisest girls I know, consistently pointing me back to Christ in whatever she has to say, and she played a huge role in the lessons God taught me about girl/guy relationships. I am forever thankful for her friendship and Lord willing it will last far into the future. So to the guy who will get an opportunity to one day win her heart, you are indeed a lucky one.

2. The second thing that I wish I went about differently was my entire view of the education I was receiving it self. It took me 2 years to learn that my education can be used as a way to love others, and was preparation for one day serving in my home church. While there are times where every college student needs to take a break from their studies and spend time with people, I had erred far too often on the side of viewing my education as an obstacle to my relationships, instead of understanding that it can be a way to enhance them. I was constantly putting my friendships first to the sacrifice of my academics, and it was (kind of ironically) through my time on SLS where it’s all about relationships and community, where I began to understand otherwise. Saying no to hanging out in order to finish homework can be just as loving to others as dropping the work to go do something. This was something I was working through up until the very end. My academic discipline was definitely lacking (as procrastination ruled the day), and my grades could have easily been better, as I had failed to invest as much time as I should of in my education.

3. Thirdly I wish I had spent more time investing into my church out there in Santa Clarita. I attended a small Presbyterian Church plant named Grace Point Mission, and the feeling of intimacy you get worshiping with a group small enough to where you know everyone gave me the false feeling of involvement. When really, I was barely doing anything other than attending. Granted in a church that small, there are very few service opportunities, but I easily could have spent much more time with the families outside of church, and made a better effort to be more involved, either through the pre church prayer time, or mid week community group (of which I only attended enough to make sure my church attendance for chapel was sufficient).

4. My fourth and final thing I wish I had done differently at my time at Master’s is spent more time with the professors. Only on a small campus like Master’s do you have the opportunity to get to know your professors on an intimate level, and even befriend them. And what’s extremely special about this place is the fact that the profs here are looking to do just that! Many of them are extremely willing to offer any guidance and wisdom that they can, and are seeking ways to help us out. In the business department particularly the professors are highly involved in what they teach and all have a biblically minded worldview and could easily be a great resource.

So ends my list of things I wish I had gone about differently during my time at Master’s. First I would like to say thank you to anyone who has made it this far and read the entire post! It was a long one and I hope you walked out of this encouraged, either through seeing things that Christ taught me, or for those who have not graduated yet seeing what not to do and ways to take advantage of your time in school making the most of it for Gods glory. The funny thing about the last three is that if I had not been so caught up in that first area, I probably could have turned those other areas into positives. But such is life and this was the path God designed for me to walk down during my time at TMC. I am so grateful for everything that has happened and I hope to share my highlights with you all soon! 

Balancing solitude and society.

"Solitude and Society, finding the balance between them is a great struggle." Dr Hotchkiss.

That comment was made in the midst his lecture this past wednesday on the marks of Romanticism, of which I sadly do not remember much of. But it was that comment that really got my brain going, and of which I would like to share some quick thoughts on.

As human beings created in the image of God, we were made for relationships, Father, Son, Holy Spirit have been in perfect relationship from eternity past and will continue to live in that perfect relationship for eternity. And so for for us humans to take part in society is a good thing, to have friendship and fellowship is of grave importance in this life. Solitude though, can be a good thing in this life as well. To break away from the cares of this day and spend time alone can be just as important.

I think there are two dangers that go along with Solitude and Society, it is not just the struggle of finding the balance between the two which Dr. Hotchkiss mentioned that we must be careful of, but we also must ask ourself what that time is spent doing. I would argue that not only is it dangerous if you are one who spends too much time to himself, or too much time with other people, it is also dangerous if in that time alone or with friends it is being wasted.

Finding the balance and figuring out when to be with people or take a step back and be alone is indeed a great struggle. I think that can many times be answered by asking yourself the questions of what am I using this time for, and why?

If your time with friends is always spent "hanging out" and never any effort of pointing them to Christ is made, be careful! Just as, if all your time spent in solitude is spent watching movies, playing computer games, checking facebook, etc, and never spent with The Lord in prayer and scripture, or reflecting over the day/week, or completing the tasks set before you for that day, then you too must take heed! "Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. (Ephesians 5:15,16 ESV)" We are called to be intentional with our time.

A simple way I like to think about it is this, I think we should use our time in solitude in a such a way that it allows us to make the most of our time with others. For example building our relationship with The Lord helps us to more fully love and serve others, or completing our hw allows us to more fully be there when we do get to be with people instead of always having our mind on the tasks we need to complete as someone sits across from us and shares their heart, or reading a book to gain another perspective on life that could be helpful to the body. With that thought process, it also allows for saying no to specific times of fellowship so that you can step back, spend some time alone getting the things done you need to, and make more of the next time you do get with that person.

These are just a few thoughts though, and I am by no means anywhere close to this in my own walk. I struggle with wasting time just as much as the next person, using it on myself and my selfish passions, and by God's grace, I hope and and pray (as well as fight!) to make more of it for His glory and honor.

An unexpected grace.

I think one of the coolest things that can ever happen to a Christian is going through a time of reconciliation with someone you have sinned against. The whole thing is just a marvelous process. From the Holy Spirit convicting us of sin, the confession of that sin to The Lord for it is He who we sinned against most importantly, the seeking of repentance from God, to the confession of that sin to the brother or sister in Christ and the seeking of forgiveness from them.

I recently was able to come to the end of that process with a sister in Christ, and she was open and willing to happily forgave me. Our friendship had a few rough patches this past fall and it did not end on the best of notes as December 14th came around and we all went home for the Holiday. But by His goodness, God really ate at my heart over Christmas break, His Spirit opened my eyes to my sin, and through prayer and the reading of His word, I was able to seek the forgiveness that Christ freely offered on the Cross. I was really able to turn the situation over to Him, cast all my anxiety about the matter in Him, and learn (still learning!) what it means to rest in His sovereignty.

Though I knew I had now to reconcile with her, I had no idea what that was going to look like or if it was even going to happen before this friend (it is such a blessing to still say that word!) went to Israel for the semester. But as I prayed more and more about it, God opened up the door to speak with her after one of the main sessions here at Truth and Life, and she was just so understanding and forgiving. It was such an unexpected blessing for this all to come about so soon!

And now I am just so. so excited to face this semester. I know God is going to grow, stretch, and challenge me in many ways, and this is just one less extremely heavy burden that has been lifted, for I know it would have been on my mind the whole time, but now it is something of the past I can grow and learn from. The timing of it all was just so perfect and it couldn't have gone any better.

Through all my anxieties and distrust, Christ placed peace and comfort on my heart, taught me how to give it over to God, and so He worked it all out in His perfect sovereignty.

Let me end this post with some encouraging verses:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6, 7 ESV)

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. (James 5:16 ESV)

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. (Matthew 6:25-34 ESV)

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:4-7 ESV)

Some goals for 2013.

I really cannot believe that 2012 has come and passed, the years really are moving by so fast. This past year by Gods grace I was able to complete 2 crazy trying semesters, had a summer for the ages, and made many friends along the way. The Lord was extremely gracious to me as well, and revealed so much about Himself and so much about my sin, and I am extremely grateful. As I enter into 2013, I have no idea where the Lord is taking my life but I do know that He is in control and has the perfect plan, no matter what it entails. Here are some overall goals that I have for the year (I will probably do a post eventually with more specific goals for this coming semester).

Goals for 2013:

1. To fall more and more in love with my savior Jesus Christ and as J.C Ryle puts it, to grow in grace. There is nothing more important for the Christian; we should bother with nothing else in this world if we do not first set our sights on the Lord. To know the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit more and more every single day that you live, and because of that to grow in practical holiness, should be the two main goals of every single Christian. So along with that I would like to do my best to be in the Word and prayer as often as I can (ideally every day), to be and serve at my Church as much as possible, and to fellowship with my Christian brethren often.  

2. To graduate from The Master’s college, and make the most of my final semester. I can’t believe that this is it!!! It has been an extremely insane 2 and a half years at TMC and I cannot wait to see where God takes, grows, and stretches me this final semester.

3. Lord willing, by years end to find a job, ANY job. I don’t care if it’s at a fast food place while I look elsewhere, just something to start working and paying off loans.

4. To read 25 books: From summer 2012 to New Years I was able to read 23, (some were for school but still great reads nonetheless), I can’t remember what I read Christmas break past the new year and I don’t think I did much, if any reading spring semester.

5. Make some sort of consistent habit of exercising and eating just a little bit healthier.