I don’t know how to say or admit this, so I am just going to
start typing, but this first month of post grad life has not been in any way
what I had hoped for. I knew I had wanted to take a few weeks off and put some
time between graduating from school and the next phase of life, but that time
has not turned out how I planned. I had high aspirations of reading the books I
would like to, working out regularly, spending quality time with friends and
family, getting involved at church, spending time daily in the word and prayer,
writing blogs reflecting over my life sharing what I have been learning, and
slowly diving into the job search. While some aspects have happened, such as
the fact that I have faithfully been with the church as much as possible,
either through Sunday Worship, the young adult bible study, and Wednesday night
evening prayer and study, and have had wonderful times with old friends, most
areas I have failed at miserably. Other than the one I read on the way home, I
have yet to finish a book. I haven’t worked out a single time since being home
and so (it’s like magic!)… put on a few pounds. I have written one blog in a
month, barely even touched the job search, and most importantly my time in the
word has been sporadic at best. Instead my days have mostly been filled with a
whole lot of nothing: staying up absurdly late, Netflix, eating, sleeping at
the oddest times of day, minimal interaction with people, facebook, surfing the
web, longing for my time at TMC, and then some hours I can’t even put a finger
on, but they just disappear. Like I said, I have gotten out some for church and
friends, but when that’s how the rest of your time has been spent, the positive
things feel like they barely happen at all.
Some of you know that I have a tendency to fall into extreme
laziness, and that is exactly what has happened. I came home to a bleak looking
post-grad life (a good number of my friends that graduated last year seemed
discontent with their lives and even with jobs they felt like nothing was happening,
a large amount of student debt which has caused me to feel stuck, and zero job
prospects) and instead of handing it over to Christ and plugging away in
diligence I gave up before it even started. When it comes to my time I know
that I am supposed to be “making the best use of the time, because the days are
evil. (Ephesians 5:16)” When it comes to every seemingly menial task I am
supposed to “work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men. (Colossians 3:23)”
Yet in mere days, dreams of making more of this life for His glory turned into
self-centered pleasure seeking unabashed slothfulness. I am fully aware of the harm in this and how disgusting it is, but what can I say; I love my
sin, and love it dearly.
But there is one thing that deep down I know that I love
more, even when the above would lead you to believe differently, and that is
Christ. I know that “in him we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28)”
and that “from him, and through him and to him are all things. (Romans 11:36)”
I know that He has purchased me with His blood, and de facto, my time. I also know
that “the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
(Psalm 34:18)” And finally I know that “if we confess our sins, he is faithful
and just to forgive us ours sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1st
John 1:9)”
So this is me, confessing my failures and expressing my need
for your prayers. I know that Christ can awaken my heart and give me the
desire, discipline, and wisdom needed to make more of this life for His glory,
and I am crying out to those of you who care (I know you exist though sometimes
I let myself believe you don’t) to come along side and pray for that as well. This has been a tough transition period for me, and so I would also ask that
you pray that the peace that passes all understanding will take hold in my life
as well and also pray for some practical opportunities (specifically a job). Though in the end I simply crave to be completely content in Christ, and live in light of that
contentment.
Greetings, this is Crimson, your first cousin once removed. I would like to say that what you're going through seems pretty normal; I'm going through the same thing. This is a major life transition and it's going to throw us off and take a good deal of adjustment! For me (and it sounds like for you too) this is like a low-grade depressive episode: bad sleeping habits, low energy, feelings of hopelessness and stuck-ness, not interacting much with others, feeling alone, etc. Unfortunately, one of the other characteristics of depression is that you can see what's going on but simply seeing does not inspire the motivation and energy required to stop it. It takes time and a lot of energy and bravery and hard work to keep one's head up and work through depressive episodes, even when they're completely normal and understandable like in this particular instance. I'm not religious personally, but I hope that "God helps those who help themselves" is really in the Bible. Help yourself by drawing on your support systems, not just for prayer, but for dragging you out of the house to have fun and interact, for asking to work out with them (and/or ask them to hold you accountable for going), for helping you find a job through searching and contacting their own connections for openings. It's going to be hard, but it will happen. I don't understand the religious part of your life, but I do understand the transition part, so you can call on me as a resource for encouragement through that if you like. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon!!
ReplyDeleteI would just like to completely agree with all that you said up above! Thank you so much for you honesty! Post grad has been pretty rough on me too. Laziness has def. gotten the better of me. I do believe though that once we've both adjusted and get a job life will be easier in some ways. What you're going through and I'm going through are just times to cry out to the Lord and ask for guidance :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking the time to read this and respond! You are right, this is definitely a time to cry out to the Lord. May I ask who this is?
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